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First-year reinvents himself as slightly different loser

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Screen Shot 2015-10-25 at 4.49.19 PMUVM first-year student James Gleeson has quickly and purposefully changed his image in the first few weeks of college.

Desperately trying to rebrand himself from “the kid even the teachers bullied,” Gleeson believes his transformation has allowed him to become the gregarious, social butterfly he’s always dreamed of growing up to be.

After replacing his old model UN and Aperture Science shirts with some more trendy name brands like Obey, Supreme and Bathing Ape, reports claim he now looks and feels like a new man.

“So basically I’ve done everything people on the internet told me to do at college so far,” Gleeson stated.

“I keep my door open all the time, I blast fun music from the speaker my mom bought me, and I challenged the biggest kid on my floor to a fight to try to start out with a reputation. He said no of course, but I think it’s the thought that counts.”

Gleeson went on to say he thinks he’s making a lot of friends and that college is going to be way more fun than high school was.

Joshua Borton had this to say when asked what he thought about his new roommate:

“Honestly, I have no idea what this kid is doing. It’s like if the nerdy guy from ‘Degrassi’ stumbled into a streetwear store and bought everything he saw A$AP Rocky wear,” Borton said.

“He even has the high-top Yeezy Boosts. It’s embarrassing. He always keeps our door open, but nobody really comes in. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t talk to anyone on our floor.”

Other floormates had similar responses it seemed.

“James? Oh I don’t know him all that well,” Amanda Wimward replied.

“He tried really hard to get to know people the first month or so, but now nobody sees him much. I’ve never seen him go out or anything.”

Another resident simply asked, “Who?”

More recent reports saw James sitting alone in a dimly lit room watching reruns of the cancelled anime series Bobobo-bo_Bo-bobo on a Friday night.

An overheard phone call to a friend from back home revealed that he would renew his World of Warcraft account because “it’s better than hanging out with the lame douchebags on my floor.”

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