Jeremy Scott is So Hot Right Now

Here at the Cynic we are under a constant assault from aspiring musicians looking for publicity, and most of them don’t deserve any. Every day, we editors and writers dread receiving the newest hit singles from the best crappy performers this great nation has to offer. However, there is a silver lining to this cloud of mediocrity, and its name is Jeremy Scott – that’s right, I said Jeremy Scott.

After months and months of patiently waiting, Jeremy Scotts’ newest musical masterpiece, Finally Unfinished, has landed in our lucky mailbox. And not just one copy, but two! This brilliant album features twelve tracks from the biggest thing to hit Connecticut since legal gambling, superstar phenomenol master composer recording artist gangster magician Jeremy Scott! Much of Jeremy’s inspiration comes from his father, who is none other than the world renowned professional kazooist John “the kazoo kommandant” Scott. “His sound is like Ace-of-Base meets Tiny Tim in a public restroom, with three eggs and half a pound of warm American cheese,” says writer Nicholas Rahim. “His music changed my life.” Indeed, it is easy to find solace in the warm embrace of Jeremy’s fluid riff’s, his inventive…um… Oh God…I can’t do this anymore. Listen, if anyone is reading this you have to help me. John “the kazoo kommondant” Scott is coming for me… I don’t know how much time I have left. He’s been sending me cd’s for months now with these… insane threats written inside.

At first I brushed it all off, but the other night I came home…and he…he was waiting for me. Oh Lord…Lord my toes…he cut off three of my toe’s and I don’t know what to do. Someone’s got to help me…I can’t go home. I can’t even sleep I’m so afraid. I see his face everywhere. Wait…what’s that? I think I hear someone coming up the stairs… No, no not you! Not again! Stay away! Stay away! Anyway. Jeremy Scott, look at you. Standing there, you’re guitar poised provocatively, phallic, on those trim dancer’s hips. That coy, come-hither glare on you’re youthful, boyish face. Those luscious lips, disproportionately small ears, and a haircut that wouldn’t work for the most aged of lesbians. That precious shirt flung carelessly open, revealing that reckless white t-shirt. Jeremy Scott is so hot right now… Jeremy…Scott.