What is Wrong With Music Today

Avril Lavigne: “My Happy Ending.” The Canadian singer’s second single from her Under My Skin album assaults the listener in a rather ingenious way. To call the song’s first line, “Let’s talk this over, it’s not like we’re dead,” clumsy would seem a grotesque understatement. The music that follows is largely irrelevant, as it is drowned out by the collective groans of all of Lavigne’s English teachers. If the line in question does not elicit even a wince from you, then you are most likely sounding out each word in this article. Lavigne, of course, was one of the pioneers of the so-called “Anti-Britney” revolution. She was rebellious and spunky, or at least she seemed so to 12-year old girls and soccer moms whose concept of rebelliousness and spunk would be, well, Avril Lavigne. Lavigne, however, has recently ditched the bad-girl image, appearing on the covers of Elle Girl and Maxim. Yes, Maxim. One might argue that her appearance on the cover of a magazine that most people relate to as being one level below Penthouse contradicts her crusade against oversexed teen pop. But hey, we should judge musicians only by their music, right? Right? Or maybe I’m being too harsh. And maybe songs like “My Happy Ending” are in fact examples of the progression of pop song-writing hooks; specifically the kind that get into your head with all the grace of a drunk crashing a party. It’s the kind of hook that breaks in, makes a fool of itself, pukes on your furniture and passes out in your bathtub, Brian.

Marilyn Manson: “Personal Jesus.” This single is from Manson’s upcoming best-of collection, Lest We Forget: The Best Of, which sources tell me is three tracks long. The song marks Manson’s third cover song release following “Sweet Dreams” and “Tainted Love,” and this can only symbolize a likewise decline in his status as a shock artist. Does he do anything that anyone considers even remotely shocking anymore? More often than not, he seems to wander into self-parody, and this song will only help back up that claim. In fact, this may very well be the most bloodless song Manson has ever released. How bad is it when Marilyn Manson is getting out-rocked by Depeche Mode? Maybe we can take this as a sign that Manson’s death-fetish has finally caught up with his career.Ciara feat. Petey Pablo: “Goodies” I’ll be the first one to tell you that my finger is not exactly on the pulse of America, so when I checked out the Billboard Top 50 to see what was the number one song in the country, I came across this little gem. I had never heard, nor heard of anyone involved with this song, so I headed to the Internet to find out what all the fuss was about. I mean, if it’s the number one song in the country, there must be something to it. When I listened to it, however, I decided it was typical R&B trash, with the obvious one-note beat and some singer crooning oh-so-seductively making it seem like although she’s too hot for you, she will not hesitate from sprawling over a corvette in her video for you. However, I can’t say that I don’t know why this song is a hit, because I know exactly why it is. That’s because it is the kind of song that once the DJ spins it, every inebriated scum-slut in the club screams with delight, grinds anything resembling a man, and “dances” on top of the speakers, while equally inebriated frat boys belch for the sewer-skanks to “take it off.” I, on the other hand, ask the bartender for the stiffest drink he can make in an effort to escape the debauched bacchanalia.