Blue’s Clues and Conspiracies

Here we are at a frat party. Look around yourself. Attractive people…. Kegs full of beer…Games like beer pong….I mean, whoop-di-doo, right? What’s the big deal? Who wants to hang out with attractive people, have fun and drink? Lame!

The whole frat scene is becoming old hat. All frats are starting to appear the same, act the same, even smell the same. I think we have to find a new frat, a re-vamped fraternity that is unique but still fun. And what do we associate with fun? If you said Designing Women, you’re one step ahead of me.

I propose a fraternity based solely on the show Designing Women. The goal of the fraternity: to sit and eat popcorn and laugh along with the characters in one of the greatest television dynasties of all time. You’ll laugh as they have crazy mishaps with men! You’ll cry when they design a shirt and, oh poo, they get ink all over it – but then you’ll go right back to laughing as the ladies start their zany antics to try and cover up who-dunnit. Who needs beer and attractive women when you have a certain someone (wink, wink)? That’s why the name of this frat will be: Alpha Delta Burke.

Or we could take it one step further and make the frat based solely on Lifetime, the TV network for women. That way we could also watch “The Golden Girls”…..AND a breast exam! The frat could have rooms that are identical to the show’s sets and we could all wear Estelle Getty T-shirts. What will that sharp-tongued old woman say next?

You might be saying to yourself: I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a tremendous idea. Estelle Getty T-shirts? Sign me up! What could be better than a male fraternity dedicated to the obsession with Lifetime? I agree. This place would be like the Garden of Eden only with the sweet wit of Bea Arthur to soothe us all to sleep.

Not into these programs? Well, hold on now, I have an idea for you crazy folks, too! Alternative frat number two would be made up of two environments. On one side, the DJ, party and drinking side that we all know well. On the other, a hospital ward for expecting mothers. Imagine!

What better environment for a child to be born into than that of riotous, binge-drinking college kids? Mothers could just lay back and chill and the college kids could mess around with their babies and do…I dunno….Stuff with it. A match made in heaven, if you ask me. And oh, what hilarious comic possibilities! Ziggy, the many-haired drummer, brings Mom a bottle for Junior. Mom is about to feed the apple of her eye when she lets out a startled cry. “Ziggy!” she exclaims. “This isn’t warm milk… this is ice cold beer!” Ziggy just shrugs. And then the whole group laughs heartily together. What a precious memory for all involved. The name of this fraternity? Alpha Gama Goo-Goo: the maternity fraternity.

Or what about one based on the Amish? The freakishly tall? Good penmanship? Or better yet – the art of mime? The possibilities are endless!

The frats won’t even know what hit them. Soda pop and good, old-fashioned feminine humor, graham crackers and child labor – welcome to the new world of fun! Who’s with me?

Oh. In that case…Beer pong, anyone?