Cold Weather, Fascists, No Hula Dancers

I recently returned to this end of the world from an abroad trip in Australia. I saw some of the ugliest birds, some of the shortest male shorts, and a lot of sunshine. After having been gone from UVM for a semester, the one thing that I have learned most profoundly is that we are all a bunch of assh***s.

It’s cold as hell out here y’all. For real, My hands get swollen just walking around for five minutes outside. Where one month ago I was sitting in a hammock reading a book wearing a sarong, now I’m wearing two pairs of pants.

I love Vermont with a passion, and I have few regrets about having chosen to come here, but man was not made to exist in these kinds of conditions.

Why do you think Russians are such sad, morose people? It’s not warm enough out there to smile. Cold climates are not conducive to the friendly, open, people, who abundantly flock to Vermont. Do any of us really enjoy this forced six month hibernation?

I came from New Jersey; admittedly, Vermont would be an improvement no matter what the temperature; New Jersey is an awful place. After high school, when I arrived the weather was warm, the hippies were frolicking, and I was ready to start my college career.

Now, three years later, I would have to say that Hawaii would make a lot more sense than this god-forsaken wasteland.

From a health perspective, I wold certainly be much less pasty, and my chance of being found dead in a snow bank would be greatly reduced. Also, the abundance of scantily clad hula dancers that exists in my image of Hawaii would prove a welcome addition to my home.

On the other hand, for those of us with less than adequate conversation skills, having sour weather provides a stable, albeit lazy and overused point of conversation.

How many lulls in conversation have been plugged through the use of the old “Wow, it sure is cold outside. Do you want to maybe snuggle up together”? Countless, I’m sure.

Unfortunately once the tables are turned, I doubt an equivalent line exists for the tropics. I suppose that as most people would be half-naked, pickup lines would be made obsolete.

So when the weather is involved, there are no bonuses to be found in Vermont. Nice weather is better for the soul. Some may say that skiing is the solution, or snowshoeing, or even winter camping. Pish posh.

None of that stuff makes living here worth it.

And skiing is for fascists. I won’t participate in that s#$t. I love Burlington, and I’ll be here for a while. But this winter stuff has got to go. I propose either a biodome, or mass migration.