Departing Sarcastic Columnist Questions Meaning of Life, Own Self-Worth

Elias Altman, a sarcastic and pretentious senior from Vermont, had an excessively long daydream about his precarious place in the world on Friday, March 2, in the library.

“Well,” Altman said to him-self as he pored over a book of paintings by Caspar David Freiderich, “I just don’t know where I will go from here, by which I mean leaving the vac-uum of reality that is the com-position of this column.”

Altman has spent many hours writing snide and cynical columns for, well, The Cynic, all in the supposed name of humor and social commentary.

“You see,” Altman said, somewhat aware of the latent pretension in his phraseology and his subsequent use of the word ‘phraseology’ “hating on things, making fun of them, being critical, is a way to keep on going in this warped, depressing world.”

Altman paused rhetorically in his mind, envisioning himself in front of an imaginary crowd, and continued, “As Plato wrote, the unexamined life is not worth living…”

Before he could continue, students in the library, telepathically sensing that Alt-man was name dropping in his mind, began hurling books at him, and he quickly fled.