Don’t write off condoms before giving them a chance

My first experience with a condom was in health class my first year of high school.

My teacher was ahead of her time and put a condom on a cucumber instead of a banana.

After she finished the demonstration, she removed the condom, peeled the cucumber and ate it with a side of hummus.

It took a while to get the smell of latex out of my nose whenever I ate cucumber.


My next experience with condoms came at the first-year activities fair at UVM. Vox, or Voices for Planned Parenthood was tabling and giving out condoms with cute little consent slogans on them.

I grabbed a handful not because I planned to dance the horizontal mambo that night, but because I found them witty and wanted to display my new college feminist identity.

During Halloween of my first year here, LivingWell gave out glow-in-the-dark condoms.

I was so thoroughly amused by the image of a glow-in-the-dark penis that I took three.

Collecting novelty condoms is one thing, but using them is a whole other story.

We seem to have a general distaste for condoms. Some men complain they are too restricting, causing a loss of sensation. Women complain they don’t feel as close to their partner, or have lost faith in condoms due to breakages.

But there are so many different types of condoms. Can one really make a generalization based on a few?

I was curious, so I consulted Condom Depot, a website where people can buy condoms at reduced prices and even purchase sample kits to find the right size for them.

Condom Depot cites 20 different types of condoms ranging from your standard latex model to a climax controlling, sperm killing, forest green penis covering machine.

There are climax control condoms. These use a lubricant that contain benzocaine, which acts as a numbing agent, prolonging orgasm. Think back to “American Pie.”

The thought of studded condoms might make your vaginal wall collapse, but these bad boys increase friction and pleasure for both men and women.

Finally, there is the mysterious female condom. Some claim it feels like having sex with a garbage bag while others appreciate its wider length and easy clean up aspects.

Feminists and those alike enjoy the control they get using them, as they can be inserted before a night out, for certain protection.

I recommend everyone try them for free at LivingWell, as these condoms go for four to five bucks a pop in the real world.

Earn your tuition back in female condoms, or start a black market selling them at reduced prices.

Either way, you should be having sex on UVM’s dime. That’s what I call free love.

According to the Center for Disease Control, people ages 19 to 24 are at the highest risk for contracting a sexually transmitted disease, and more than 50 percent of people will contract an STD in their lifetime.

With those odds, it might be worth it to peruse the condom aisle next time you’re at a drugstore.

So, what better way to end this piece than with a few straight-out-of-health class euphemisms for condom usage?

A few of my personal favorites are, “Don’t be silly cover your willy!” or, “If there’s going to be affection cover your erection!”

The next time you are having the contraceptive talk with your honey, don’t dismiss condoms as an option. Order a sampler pack from Condom Depot and hop to it – or on it.