Get Your Goat

Just the other week, we all reveled in the wonderful time called spring break.

Spring break is a time when kids get the opportunity to get away from the cold weather and the boring books to have fun in the sun.

I had planned on this year’s spring break to be one of the best breaks of all time.

Since I watch MTV religiously, I know that every boy and girl must make at least one pilgrimage to Cancun, Mexico or he/she will die poor and lonely.

In order to prove to the world that my years of religious television watching and mall shopping had made me into a good old American boy just as promised, I decided I would make my pilgrimage this year.

I had been contemplating the issue since the beginning of the school year, but my decision became final when two people were caught wearing shirts with peace signs on them back in my hometown of Albany, New York. That act was the most outrageous thing I had ever heard of. I always thought that everyone knew to wear Abercrombie and Gap clothes; I mean, really, don’t those people want to fit in?

Plus, if we don’t listen to our TVs, then we will all be forced to think for ourselves because nothing will be around to think for us-just think about that. On second thought, never mind-that could be dangerous. Anyway, that whole mall incident really freaked me out and I knew that if I didn’t get to the holy land quickly, the devil would soon steal my soul. However, as it turned out, the devil was after me from the beginning.

You see, a month before spring break, the UVM police busted me for knowing a guy who knew a guy whose girlfriend’s roommates both smelled like alcohol and lived in the downtown Burlington area.

So I got busted and the day before break I went to Judicial. After visiting Judicial, the court agreed I was guilty and gave me the option of three punishments: the first was a10 million dollar fine, the second was eternity in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison and the third was a metamorphosis into a transvestite billy goat for one full week.

After debating over the choices, I realized three things: first was that I didn’t have 10 million dollars, second was that they have bad food in prisons (so I hear) and third was that I have no idea what a transvestite is.

Needless to say, I went with the third option.

As soon as I walked out of the judicial building, I began to realize what I had done. Now I was going to have to spend the spring break of my dreams as a transvestite billy goat. My new bathing suit wouldn’t fit.

But then I thought, what would my hero Justin Timberlake do? The answer came immediately. Sell out and just shake my goat bum like there’s no tomorrow. So that was just what I decided to do.

I woke up the next morning as a sexually confused billy goat dead set on making the most out of my spring break.

Upon arriving in Cancun, I immediately realized that this was not going to be the trip MTV had promised.

That night, things went from bad to worse when I realized that I couldn’t open the bottle of roofies I had brought along without opposable thumbs.

To get over the loss, I went for a stroll down the boardwalk. I had only walked 10 feet when some drunk horny guy grabbed my ass and made a pig noise at me.

I’m not sure why he made a pig noise, but my guess is he was too drunk to remember what sound a goat makes and made the first noise that came to mind. Although he put me down in the dumps with that one, you should have seen the look on that jerk’s face when one of his buddies turned to him and said, “Dude…I think that’s a dude!” After that embarrassing episode, I walked immediately to the bars, because as every good old American boy knows, when all other attempts at coolness fail, binge drinking is the answer! Within an hour, I shotgunned 10 beers and went looking for some booty. My tolerance was shot to hell as a result of the whole billy goat thing, and after several shots of Bacardi and few bong hits, I was beyond wasted.

This point of mental instability is what I kept myself in for the rest of break. I spent the rest of break either passed out on the beach, driving drunk in my rental goat mobile or drinking.

The day-by-day most memorable events of this year’s break were throwing up all over the people in the boat when I went parasailing in on Monday.

Then on Tuesday, I tried to eat Carson Daily’s shorts after stumbling onto the set of MTV Uncut with a really bad case of the munchies. Wednesday, I managed to fall asleep on the beach only to have some sick prankster draw a penis on my back in suntan lotion. On Thursday, I had to spend three hours convincing a group of sorority girls that I was not in the movie Babe.

Then, Friday, I really got the lowest blow of all when I got really bad beer goggles and tried to get it on with a lobster.

On Saturday, I flew home, and by Sunday night, I was back to myself again.

Although it was the worst spring break anyone could have asked for, I felt I learned a lot. Gaining a perspective on life from that of a transvestite billy goat made me feel privy to what it might be like to be a transvestite billy goat.

So to all of you out there who feel bad because you missed out on your MTV spring break, I just want to let you know that it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be. Especially when you’re a transvestite billy goat with a penis-shaped sunburn on your back.