The University of Vermont's Independent Voice Since 1883

The Vermont Cynic

The University of Vermont's Independent Voice Since 1883

The Vermont Cynic

The University of Vermont's Independent Voice Since 1883

The Vermont Cynic

New Club to Form and Flourish

“That’s it, I’ve seriously had enough,” proclaimed sophomore Buckwheat McGinty late Saturday night after seeing fellow UVM’ers spending the afternoon hula-hooping to Phish on the Redstone green. “I can’t take this shit anymore! The hula-hooping is one thing, but once they bust out the bongos, it’s time for a response!”

McGinty is the recent founder of the soon-to-be club on the UVM scene, the Freestyle Littering Club. “In my mind,” stated McGinty, “It will be the first response to overall hippie atmosphere at UVM. I’m so friggin’ tired of being surrounded by tie-dyed shirts, dreads, Birkenstocks and Phish every day! At least now they’ll be surrounded by litter! We’re sending those dirty-ass hippies a message!”

Currently there are close to 30 prospective members awaiting the approval of the new club by the UVM administration. One prospective member, who wishes to remain anonymous, proclaims, “It’s about time we fought back! Now amidst the flocks of hemp and beads we’ll see tons and tons of litter! What a great contrast of scenery for once!”

Freestyle Littering first came into the limelight in the late 1980’s in southern Kentucky. Self-proclaimed founder of Freestyle Littering, “Taj Mahal” claims that freestyle littering has taken the passion of casual littering to a new level. “It all used to be about how much litter you could toss, what road sign or homeless person you could hit when you tossed litter from a speeding car on the highway; those were lame aspirations, man,” stated Mahal.

“We’ve reached a new height now where it’s not just about the quality and quantity of the litter, it’s about what sick tricks you can you pull off while you litter. It’s all about how many 360 grab-combos you can nail and still litter like a bastard. It truly separates those that casually litter from those that are the real die-hard litterers that do it daily and enjoy littering for the passion of it, not for the “coolness” of being a bad-ass dude or chick that litters.”

Mahal recently heard news of the probability of a Freestyle Littering Club at UVM and was quite enthralled. However, he was unavailable for comment for he was in India as a guest judge for the 2003 Universal Freestyle Littering League (UFL2) Championship Quarterfinals in Sri Lanka.

Buckwheat projects that at least a metric ton of litter will be disposed of on the UVM campus during the spring semester alone. “If my calculations are correct, by the end of our first year of being an official club, you’ll be able to fill Converse to the brim ten times with the amount of litter we’ve used. “That will really PISS off those damn hippies! Let’s see them try and hula-hoop when they’ll be standing on a pile of crushed Pabst Blue Ribbon Cans and styrofoam plates!” The Club hopes to host the first annual Vermont Amateur Freestyle Littering Competition in 2004. “Yea, man, it’s going to be like a great event,” proclaims hopeful member of the club and local Freestyle Litterer favorite Eitan Gavish.

“We’re planning on donating all of the profits to the Vermont Recycles Union!” When asked about the ethical paradox of this event, Gavish was unable to comment. He was too busy practicing his 360 Method Trash Can stalls while chugging Red Bull with a bag of half-eaten McDonald’s food. The half-eaten bag of McDonald’s food has been the latest Freestyle Littering Trend in the greater Burlington Area.

There are, however, repercussions of Freestyle Littering. If one is caught in the act of littering, there could be up to a $300 fine. Some state legislation is even considering up to a $500 fine and community service hours for those caught “freestyle littering.” This has of course put some pressure on the up-and-coming club.

“They can tag us with fines, they can tag us with community service hours, but they can’t take the sport away from us,” commented Buckwheat. “You know this is a big thing. Freestyle Littering parks are being set up around the continental U.S. and you would not believe the sick s*** kids are doing today!

“My good friend Tony Rabbins has been pulling off sick 720 Invert Stalefish Trashcan Plant Indy Nosebones with full-out last night’s empty beer cup tosses! I mean, that was unheard of a year ago! Now this is daily business! You can’t stop something that’s progressing and kickin’ as much ass as freestyle littering!” For more information regarding the Freestyle Littering Club you may contact Buckwheat McGinty at 6-7606.

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