Open Letters to Celebrities

Dear Master Selleck,

It’s not often that I have the opportunity to address a thespian of your grade. Usually I would have to suffer celebrities of a far lesser caliber (I’m pointing in your direction Nicholas Cage; don’t think you’re off the hook either, Fred Savage), but not today! Today I address a 1983/84 Emmy winner for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series, Magnum, P.I.

I can’t even describe the impact Magnum, P.I. has had on my life. Knowing that Magnum would always be there to save the day got me through a lot of hard times. You might think that a 34 year old divorced unemployed writer wouldn’t have much in common with Magnum (Tom Selleck), but I do! I checked out your fact sheet on E! Online and discovered that you’ve gone been divorced too. Wife: Jacquelyn Ray Selleck, actress, model; separated 1979, six months before Selleck filmed the Magnum, P.I. pilot; subsequently divorced.

I’ve been thinking about starting a show like P.I. So far I’ve written myself in as a crime fighter with a “street-wise” car named Vin Diesel that can talk and think; I wear a leather jacket and talk in “code”, while the car speaks Welsh with a German accent, spliced with a little Eubonics to appeal to our projected audience demographic. I’ve talked to a couple directors who are very enthusiastic about what I’ve written so far.

I’d offer you a role in this crime fighting show, but I can’t think of any crime fighting role you might be able to play. I guess you’re not as tough as I thought you were! Now that I think about it, you’re not tough at all; at best you’re an aging fool with nothing much going on aside from a reoccurring role in Friends, the funniest show ever written! One of my friends said that without a laugh track and moderately attractively actresses, Friends would be another NBC prime time failure.

He also said anyone that watches Friends regularly is a complete moron with no redeeming qualities and should automatically waive their constitutional right to vote. What does he know? He also said Will and Grace is written for single middle aged unmarried women, staring at the beginning of the weekend and the business end of a cheesecake.

He thinks it only perpetuates the feminine, non-threatening homosexual stereotype that has become a mainstay of American entertainment.

I have to go buy some pie crust for a cheesecake, but I hope you write back soon Tom. I’ll be waiting, watching. Where you go, I go…

Two in the rink one in the sink, Nicholas Green