Open Letters To Celebrities

Dear Steve (is it okay if I call you Steve?),

How’s it going? Now that the small talk is out of the way, let’s get serious. I’d like to learn karate, but I can’t afford the classes, this is where you come in. Since you already know karate it’ll be really easy for you to teach me. Right now I’m between jobs, so I have a lot of free time… to learn karate.

I also heard from the guy at the bait shop down the street that you’re a Buddhist. I’m not exactly sure what that means but in doing research for this letter, I rented Under Siege Two: Dark Territory. I have a couple questions: Is she really your daughter? I like the ponytail. I know that last one wasn’t a question, but the ponytail works, plain and simple.

The guy at the bait store also told me you were in a blues band, so here’s what I propose: You help me with the kicking and the punching, and I help you with some mean blues harmonica. I won’t lie, the harmonica is a friend of mine. A friend that produces what could be described as ‘a fusion of funk, blended with a little jazz, and then polished off with a twinge of country that lends it a much appreciated legitimacy.’

I also noticed you currently write your own speeches. Bad Steve! That was a joke, don’t be mad). You’ve caught me at exactly the right time. I can begin writing your speeches immediately. I though we could start off with a press conference announcing your decision to hire me, here’s what I have so far:

“Hey, how’s everyone doing (blues harmonica in the background)? I want you out of here (points to a funny looking kid in the front row of the audience), someone get him out of here! Sorry I lost my temper, but sometimes you guys make me so mad. Okay, I’m over it now. I called this press conference because I’ve become so famous, I can do whatever I want. You hear me?! Anything!

By the way, I’m a Buddhist which, last time I checked, makes me better than all of you. So I’ve decided I wanted a few changes from all of you. I want a really fast car and a model girlfriend, stat! For those of you who don’t know, ‘stat’ is a medical term. The second change I would like to see concerns my career as a television actor. This is a good segue. Oh sorry, I wasn’t supposed to read that last part. Anywho, I would like to see a revival of Hogans Heroes staring myself as a doctor and one other actor to be named later. It would be just the two of us on a blank stage acting out scenes from the old Hogan’s Heroes. Very theatrical. How you like that Hollywood? What’s a matter Hollywood? Too avant garde for your tastes? Well, I expect all these demands to be met or I’ll commence with some kicking and punching. I just hired a new speech writer too.”

We’ll need to find a funny looking kid who’s willing to work for alcohol and has a harmonica, but otherwise it’ll be an image makeover that will signal part two of the Steven Seagll story. Write back soon, I might have a speech writing job by the time you read this, so if I were you I’d hurry!

You’re not a joke, Nicholas Green