Snickers, Skittles, and a Beer Pong Ball

Halloween has come and gone and you may be exhausted. You may have bought a jumbo bag of mini candies to distribute and ended up eating 80% of them yourself. You may be packing up your Emanuel Lewis mask. But what was missing? l heard no Day of the Dead carols ringing out this October the 31st. At least, not in UVM’s hallways. They “scrooged” us right out of it.

There once was a little child in a ballerina outfit, standing at the entrance to a UVM dorm. The wings were beautiful and glittery and the pudgy childish face was ridden with disappointment. “No entrance,” said the sign, “For trick-or-treaters.” The magic wand sank down as the child retreated in sorrow. The year was 1998 and the child was a young Michael Blouin. My life would never be the same.

UVM may not be the ideal trick-or-treating spot, sure. And maybe marijuana isn’t a “healthy” Halloween treat; excuse us for not wanting to be the typical old people handing out apples and Trident. Maybe beer caps and hacky sacks don’t brighten the face of every youth. Maybe the dirty socks I found under the microwave aren’t “acceptable” goodies.

Yeah…And maybe that ballerina costume wasn’t the best damn thing that ever happened to me.

Truth is: Kids love UVM students and UVM students love kids. If I encountered a young trick-or-treater on my way home one night, okay, I might be inclined to take them out at the shins and steal their candy. Good point. But isn’t that what Halloween is all about? Humility?

I would indeed open my arms to any youngsters that happened to find their way inside. Hearing those jovial, ridiculously high voices, I would distribute my candy with care (after a little good-natured noogying, of course). Unless they happened to be dressed as one of the following: ghosts, witches, vampires, goblins, werewolves, the Grim Reaper, army men or the Olsen twins.

If they are dressed as any of these, I will quickly lock my door and cower because these things are not in the spirit of fun; they are real and they are truly terrifying. Acceptable costumes are, in alphabetical order: paper plate mask-man, a puppy dog or a rabbit (Note: Any child representing a teen to adult dog will be turned away).

My neighbors feel the same way. Take Henry “The Bong” Baker down in 127. When I asked him about getting the kids to come back to trick-or-treat here on campus, he was overjoyed about it. They’ll have candy! He was practically bubbling over in his anticipation. Candy!! He then asked if the kids would have chips, pretzels or $20 he could borrow. That’s the kind of spirit I’m talking about! (Warning to all kids: Have an extra $20 on your person).

Of course, now that UVM has beefed up security, the kids could never get into the dorms without a card to swipe. I mean, the other day I had to wait a whole three minutes until someone came out and let me in. Three minutes! If that isn’t a deterrent, I don’t know what is. What’s next? A moat?

Anyway, I suggest that we prop these doors open and get the Halloween spirit back on campus. Notice that UVM’s school colors are green and yellow. Some might go so far as to call those colors GRINCH-like in nature….HMMM?? Well, they won’t ruin this Halloween for us! We won’t allow it!

To concerned parents, don’t worry. We won’t vomit on your child. We won’t use your child for drinking games. We won’t make your child do funny things. Well, except for Henry. Kids always crack him up. The boy or girl may be just staring up at him but Henry will laugh hysterically and say, “Hey Mike! This kid’s hilarious! Do that thing again!” The child will begin to cry in fear and this will make Henry laugh even harder. Halloween at its best!

So next year, kids should be welcome at UVM, a “spook-tacular” sight of fun. Come on, it’s sure to be a scream! We’ll never be short on Halloween related clich?©s, either! Just look for me, Michael Blouin. I’ll be the guy with the bucket of candy, waving cheerfully, in my ballerina best.