The DOs and DON’Ts of College Romance

As if dating and relationships weren’t already hard enough, college adds a whole new layer of misunderstanding, confusion and embarrassment to the realm of romance.

Random rendezvous and one night stands usually result in a substantial amount of awkwardness and uncertainty, but for some who commit one of the ultimate sexual sins in college, the awkwardness factor can be significantly increased.

The transgression I am referring to is known as a “hallway hook-up” or “floor incest”, if you will. For those unfamiliar with such terms, a hallway hook-up occurs when two people, residing on the same dormitory floor, willingly participate in a sexual interaction of some kind.

Initially, a hallway hook up seems like a marvelous idea. Feeling horny? No problem! Simply stroll down the hall to your nearest friendly neighbor. It’s easy, convenient and practical, but we all know what seems too good to be true probably is. So once you’ve concluded your first hallway hook-up and, surprise, you realize this person is not your soul-mate and not dateable or (in some extreme cases) even likable, you begin to suffer the consequences of floor incest.

First, since you know the meeting after the hook-up will be full of weirdness, you develop a strategy of avoidance. Whether you prefer the sprinting tactic, to reach a destination undetected by your ex-dorm room darling, or you follow the peek and duck approach, both methods of evasion may be accompanied by unpleasant side effects.

Inventing a game plan every time you’d like to use the bathroom is exhausting. Running for cover every time you make a hallway hook-up sighting can only complicate things further and heighten sentiments of discomfort when you inevitably bump into each other.

Furthermore, floor incest can cause difficulty when making important choices, like what to eat. For instance, let us assume you have a craving for Spaghetti-Os. So you grab a can and get in line when boom! Your excitement for the aforementioned canned good is interrupted by a heated debate in your head because you’ve remembered who the only person with a can opener happens to be. Don’t let this happen to you. Engaging in floor incest may force you to put future dining decisions in the hands of a stranger.

Lastly, if after the hallway hook-up you do find a fellow floor mate suitable for a relationship, you run the risk of being labeled a “hallway ho”. It is also important to note that whatever your hallway honey discovers about you during your tryst, other neighbors will be sure to hear all about it in lurid detail. Bad reputations and invasions of privacy are symptomatic of floor incest.

Never forget that interaction after the dirty deed is inevitable and it may go something like this: as you are speed-walking down the hall, your partner in crime opens the door and thrusts you both into an unexpected face to face confrontation. At this point you can actually feel your face contorting into a wide-eyed look of horror that is undoubtedly terrifying to its beholder.

Nonetheless, you will knowingly make some unnatural facial expression because it is the instinctual reaction to the first encounter after the encounter. But of course, the combined look of disgust and surprise finally subsides and the long awkward pause is broken as you both play it cool with a casual “what’s up?”

Just remember that the only way to truly protect yourself from the dangers of floor incest is abstention.

You can lessen your chances of creating an awkward situation by establishing a solid bond beforehand, or at least make sure to be on speaking terms with the object of your affection before pursuing any carnal adventures. Also avoid late nights, especially on weekends, where you are liable to experience the wake-up-and-ask “what happened?” syndrome common to college students.

It is very important to your health and the health of others that you contemplate these consequences when deciding to engage in “floor-play”.