UVM to Relocate to Tijuana, Mexico

In an effort to increase the diversity on the University of Vermont campus, the university administration has decided to move the campus to Tijuana.

The move, which was announced by UVM president, Daniel Fogel, will cost the university an estimated $192 million to move all the buildings. Fogel believes that this expense will quickly be made back by the increased amount of applicants that UVM will receive and in turn, will accept.

Past endeavors in the quest to increase cultural diversity, such as scholarship programs geared toward inner-city youth, have had varying degrees of success. But university administrators have decided it’s time to pull out the big guns.

“It was sitting there in front of our faces the whole time,” a UVM spokesperson says. “If the University of Vermont wants more diversity, it simply cannot be located in Vermont.” A state that is 96.8% white, Vermont has never been known for its diverse population.

Tijuana, on the other hand, located in the USA’s neighbor to the south and known as “The Gateway to Mexico,” boasts a population with an overwhelming majority of Spanish-speaking Mexicans. Of the 1.2 million people living in Tijuana, less than 5,000 are even from the United States.

“We have truly found a gold mine here for any university looking to increase diversity,” says one UVM representative. “Not to mention, what the hell were we thinking locating the University of Vermont in as friggin cold a place as Vermont? I swear, the climate here is comparable to Dante’s frozen pit of Hell. No, the place for the University of Vermont is sunny Mexico. Personally I can’t wait to sit on a beach sipping a frozen drink carried to me by the indigenous natives now known as ‘freshmen.’ Did you know the margarita was invented in Tijuana?”

Also part of the plan of relocating will involve the university leaving all of the current professors in Burlington and hiring Mexican field workers as the new professors of UVM.

“I believe that the field workers could put a new spin on teaching,” said Fogel in a press conference last Thursday. “It will save us a boatload of money and bring in a new type of UVM student. I am pretty sure we can pay them way below minimum wage too.”

While the administration seems to be pretty dead-set on the move, some UVM students are less than thrilled. Sophomore, and Vermont native Kurt Livingston, for instance, is anxious to find out whether he will still be receiving in-state tuition come September.

Dean of Students David Wheedler. “You’ve got bigger fish to fry. For instance, how is your pale UV-deprived Vermont skin going to react to its introduction to the unforgiving Tijuana sun? If I were you, I’d be investing in some pretty hefty-numbered sunblock right about now…”

Other students expressed their concern about the safety of Tijuana. “If UVM thinks there is a theft problem in Burlington, wait until we get to Tijuana,” said junior Caitlin Quinn. “And field workers are going to replace our professors? This seems a little weird to me. I don’t think I want to pay full price to go to school in one of the worst cities in North America, I don’t care how good their fish tacos are.”

The move is set for September 2004, barring any hassles