Let’s play a game: if you love spending precious moments with our roommate, clap your hands. SILENCE. So a lot of college kids have roommate issues. So what? At one juncture of student life or another, everyone will have a want-to-hang-you-by-your-toes-from-the-ceiling-and-rip-off-your-toenails kind of warm and fuzzy roommate experience.

The whole concept of a roommate makes me cringe. Who thought it would be a good idea to have college students cram themselves and all their worldly possessions into a tiny matchbox cell with a mystery person who they’ll be stuck with – chatting, sharing, eating, sleeping – for an entire year? Not to mention having to adapt to their obnoxious 24-hour-a-day television addiction, elementary school bedtime, and asshole boyfriend/girlfriend. Why should you have to adapt to someone else’s lunatic personality?

Since we won’t get anywhere by complaining and attempting to alter the roommate status quo, let’s come up with a solid, no-fail plan of action. Here’s my two cents: kick your roommate’s scumbag ass at Super Smash Brothers. Challenge them to a battle to the death and then let Kirby pummel them till they drop to their knees kissing your feet, begging for mercy. Kirby is no doubt the way to go. Kirby may be pink; Kirby may be small, but that doesn’t stop Kirby from entering the brawl (and smashing your roommate’s brains in).

Next time your roommate wakes you up in the middle of a nap, don’t let your pot boil over. Just pick up your Nintendo 64 controller and let the video game voodoo commence.