When Drunk Dialing Goes Wrong

As humans, we all have unique and varied personalities. This refreshing individuality even manages to shine through some of our most shameful, chaotic, embarrassing, and yet fun moments – moments under the influence and control of alcohol.

For instance, we all know that girl who downs shots of Captain Morgan’s like water and then proceeds to scream, laugh, and cry her way to falling down a flight of stairs and peeing her pants, in someone else’s bed of course.

Then there’s always this guy everyone has met who shotguns a 30 rack of Busch and pounds Jack Daniel’s like the manly champ he is, but by the end of the night he’s hugging his closest guy friends to his masculine bosom, promising he would take a bullet for them, they’re his boys for life!

No matter what kind of “drunk persona” you adopt, when intoxicated we all do and say stupid things but we do it in our own special way.

There is one alcohol-induced activity that has become so widespread and rampant that even parents (mine inspired me to write this article) are taking part. What I’m about to describe strikes all people regardless of age, gender, or race, but one’s chances of being afflicted increase slightly as a student and significantly in situations involving liquor and a cell phone.

No, the harmful and dangerous epidemic I speak of is not drunk driving, but drunk-dialing (or drunk texting for us nimble-fingered folks).

I have a friend who swears that when playing the game of love it is best to play it drunk. This logic is based on her drunken confession of love to her ex-boyfriend that (to the dismay of his then girlfriend) was the beautiful beginning of a two-year love affair. Being the good friend that I am, I always chime in with, “Weren’t you arrested, like right after that romantic beach rendezvous?” Case and point.

Whether in person or on the phone, it is dangerous to pursue romantic endeavors while drunk. Here’s some proof.

When it comes to the question of whether it’s worse to drunk-dial an ex or a prospect, I have a personal story that will make everyone delete their ex’s phone number from their phonebook and mind, right now.

After a very painful breakup and a long night of drowning my sorrows, I had the undeniable urge to call my ex-boyfriend at 3:30 in the morning, you know, to chat…casually.

Of course he didn’t answer which threw me into a tailspin of depression and despair, so I responded the way any self-respecting, mature young woman would: I left him a drunken message.

Well in all fairness to myself I didn’t actually do the talking, Jimmy Durante did. Yes, I’m not going to lie, I played the song “I’ll be seeing you” into my ex-boyfriend’s cell phone.

So maybe you’re thinking, what’s the big deal? You’re most likely thinking “pathetic”, but it’s my article, so you have to humor me.

Let me just hammer this point home with some of Jimmy’s haunting lyrics, “I’ll be seeing you in every lovely summer’s day, in every thing that’s light and gay. I’ll always think of you that way. I’ll find you in the morning sun and when the night is new. I’ll be looking at the moon, but I’ll be seeing you.”

Four words: I. Rest. My. Case.

When it comes to innocent crushes it’s not often the content of the drunk dial, but the quantity. I mean doesn’t everyone love to get messages approximately every 33 minutes from that person you kind of know from class that always seems to be looking, well staring, at you?

I for one, think it’s a really nice gesture when someone has the consideration to call you, even from the toilet, to just let you know they are thinking of you, don’t you?

For some unknown reason, when intoxicated we seem to believe that drunk-dialing that special someone 17 times is an impressive and effective method of sealing the deal. Unfortunately, it is only when we awake the next morning and discover the damage that we remember this is not impressive, it’s borderline stalking.

The carnage drunk-dialing ensues is not purely romantic. Serious complications can arise when attempting to simply drunk-dial a friend.

For example, you call their house instead. In your excitement you don’t realize that it’s your best friend’s father’s voice on the answering machine so you go on to document your awesome night.

In the interest of time, you hit only the highlights, briefly mentioning the 14 shots of liquid cocaine that you vomited in someone’s sink, the successful participation in eight triple kisses (which is like a record), and your near death experience of falling into a bush (those branches can strangle and suffocate if one’s not careful), and lastly, you finish up the short 23 minute monologue with some nervous laughter because you can’t…find…your…underwear? At least next time you see Mr. and Mrs. French and they avoid eye contact with you, you know why.

Even embarrassment may not be enough to deter some of us from drunk-dialing, but legal action may be. So a lot of us start to feel pretty badass after a few cocktails, right?

Every drink we feel a little smarter, a little braver, and a little more invincible. We come up with really good ideas, like calling our old high school principals because someone got his home phone number, score!

To make a long story short, making violent threats towards one’s principal and sexually explicit overtures directed at his wife is considered harassment, and should be avoided.

Then there’s always the classic drunk dialing of your parents.

It’s more of a “pretend it didn’t happen thing” for both parties, because just like you don’t like to think about what your parents do on vacation, they don’t want to know what you do at school. Some things are just better left unsaid.

As long as there are cell phones and people who drink, students will continue to experience drunk-dials from their friends, which really isn’t such a bad thing.

Sometimes we all need to hear Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin'” belted into a phone by incoherent drunkards or sometimes it’s fun to decipher your friend’s drunk text messages like your own little puzzle, until they tell you it’s only meant to say “Hey, what’s up pal?”

But for the sake of the worst case offenders, like myself, I know there is some brainy, technologically savvy business student out there who will answer my plea when I say please, invent a cell phone that automatically locks and disallows any outgoing calls (besides 911) from 8 until 6 the next morning Thursday through Saturday. Thank you.