June Barrington, a freshman from Delaware, announced that she “totally” understands the stock market. The momentous announcement, which she made while showering alone, bucked the trend of her complaining about her difficult major.

Barrington now says she has “on lockdown” all the concepts and has even started giving advice to her parents.

Even though an independent investigation reveals that Barrington has taken less than stellar inclass notes, her textbook is chockfull of arbitrarily highlighted passages.

“No, mom,” she said on the phone recently, “You don’t get it. The stock is low now, so buy it, and then it will get high, and you should sell it.”

Barrington also told her mother “to diversify the portfolio” and “look into high-equity stocks.” When her mom replied that those stocks are expensive, she stated that “it takes money to make money.”

Barrington’s mother, April Barrington, is “thrilled” about her daughter’s enthusiasm, even if the advice is “sometimes not entirely helpful.” Barrington’s father, an associate at Goldman Sachs, could not be reached for comment.