A Personal Story Regarding Criminal Harassment

Until last Thursday I considered political/organizational violence an aspect of the world far removed from my life. I lacked the first hand experience known to so much of the world. I have never had to contend with death threats from the F.L.Q., an established Quebec separatist group that came into prominence in 1970 after they began carrying out a series of political kidnappings and executions. I have never had to contend with the Tonton Macoutes of Duvalier’s Haiti, a kind of secret police that held Haiti in a state of paralysis for most of the twentieth century. I have never experienced the political dynamics of pre-1994 South Africa, nor have I seen first hand the destruction inflicted upon the Chinese people by Mao’s “Cultural Revolution”. Let’s not forget Pol Pot reign in Cambodia either. Here is what I have seen and experienced in a very real, very tactile, way: I came back to my room on Thursday April 24th, at approximately 4 pm to find the area around my door littered with 5×8 photocopies with a small logo in the upper right hand corner proudly proclaiming the vandals affiliation: Cinder Kit. That’s correct, UVM’s latest poetry/short-story/news magazine. An organization which I believed was inherently benign, nay, inherently constructive, nay, inherently professional. I needn’t describe the shock I felt. Details began to surfaces about the perpetrators or “perps”. There were at least two perps, one unidentified female accompanied by a male, witnesses identified as having, “…black hair, well under 5 feet 5 inches tall, thick black framed glasses, a really stupid shirt that would lead one to believe he’s into punk, a disproportionally large nose, and pants that barely reached the tops of his ankles.” Upon entering my room I learned of a harassing phone call: my roommate cleared his throat, assumed a pre-6th grade inflection and repeated the message left by one of Cinder Kit’s henchmen: “You tell Andrew Woods he’s been dipping his cup into the wrong pot of soup for too long and we’re not going to take it anymore! (click)” Although I have yet to identify the engineer and author of this threat, I have little doubt that an alleged glasses wearing, large nose having, small shoe buying, brief wearing, poetry magazine starting, far shorter than 5 feet 5 inches tall punk enthusiast, is behind this particular act of terrorism. Although this act of terrorism was disgustingly ineffective, so ineffective I was left wondering if Cinder Kit had accomplished anything, it is disturbing. What is one to think when a man roughly the height of a legally recognized midget (A person becomes a legally recognized midget below the height where such an affliction produces a noticeable handicap, and therefore assumes a tax exempt status and collects social security checks every week. I will, from here on out, refer to this nameless vandal as L.R.M. or Legally Recognized Midget) comes to their door and posts advertisements of their publication and a correctly cited quote from Milton’s Paradise Lost? What is one to do when a man roughly the height of a legally recognized midget comes to their door and posts advertisements of their publication and a correctly cited quote from Milton’s Paradise Lost? The first question lends itself toward deep meditation and speculation into the childhood of this L.R.M. It may even be the case that one is unable to think beyond the incident, thereby negating this question. The second question is easier to answer. Keep making fun of Cinder Kit until they really snap, in which case this article would be evidence in any criminal trial that then followed or I could ask for an apology. So here it is: Cinder Kit, you owe me an apology and if I don’t get that apology I intend to press full charges against your organization. Obviously, I will also sue your organization for slander, seek a restraining order against all those persons associated with Cinder Kit, and seek an as yet unnamed dollar figure in small claims court for the mental anguish I’ve suffered from this event. I await your apology Cinder Kit.