April Fools: In the army now…

The Registrar’s Office is formally apologizing for mistakenly handing out army contracts instead of withdrawal forms earlier this semester. Those students that withdrew from a class may be at risk of going to combat.The mishap was first noticed one month ago when freshmen Richard Tracy disappeared from his dorm room early in the morning. A camouflage Hummer was spotted by eyewitnesses outside of his complex, but the whereabouts of Tracy remain unknown. “Dick was a good kid, he loved to party but he had a tough time with authority. He told me he withdrew from a history class at the beginning of the term because the professor was ‘too much of a control freak’,” Tracy’s roommate, Roger R. Abbit, said.The crisis completely unfolded several weeks ago when an entire platoon was seen marching into the Davis Center. So far, the Army has sought out nearly every student that petitioned to withdraw from a class this semester. “This is like so messed up, man,” UVM student Sunshine Summer Wind said. “We need to have like a revolution. I’m wearing tie-dye and voicing my opinions at like, Open Mic Night.””Due to recent developmental changes and budget cuts, the school has been outsourcing much of its work to chimpanzees to keep costs low,” UVM President said. “We had no idea they were capable of deceiving our students the way they have.”The school had been paying the chimps with bananas and squeaky toys since the beginning of the semester, which costs much less than paying students in pizza and beer to do the same work.”There’s not much we can do,” said a Registrar employee who asked not to be named. “I mean look, it was a mistake, but that’s what you get when you outsource work to chimpanzees.”Nearly every student that signed a withdrawal form has been tracked down by the Army. Parents of the students are learning about the Registrar’s error and have demanded a statement from the school.The Army issued the statement, “We were so delighted to see so many young people signing up for the war that we didn’t think chimpanzees could have anything to do with it.” According to the Registrar’s Office, over one-third of the student population has accidentally enlisted. “It would have been nice to have known this sooner. That way, we could have accepted more students for the Fall ’08,” one UVM official said. In the future, it would be wise for every student to read what they are signing before it is too late. If you, or anyone you know, has accidentally enlisted and has not been found by the Army, remember, Canada is not too far from here.