April Fools: Trinity secedes from UVM

After years of tumult, Trinity finally manages to leave the UVM unionAfter years of violent threats and rambunctious riots, Trinity campus has finally managed to secede from the University. “This has been in the works since before I entered the University in 2004,” said Daniel Willoughby, UVM senior, four year Trinity resident and Trinity Independence Team (TIT) President.”We have been carefully selecting those who get to live on Trinity with us,” he said.He went on to describe that TIT is made up of a variety of exceptional students, including computer geniuses and athletic superstars. “Our computer whizzes have found a way to hack into ResLife and select who will be placed on Trinity Campus,” he said. “We are in complete control and they have absolutely no idea.”He added that the athletes are useful when it comes to the rebellions, and that “they give us more of a fighting chance against the police.””What I don’t understand is how these Trinity people were able to keep all of this a secret for so long,” sophomore Julia Laymorgan said.”I have friends over there!” exclaimed freshman Gregory McGee. “I thought we were close, but they never said anything!””We are very secretive about our actions. We force incoming Trinity students to sign an oath. No one has refused yet … I think they like to feel like they are a part of something big. Because they are,” Willoughby said. Sasha Branch, freshman and first-year TIT member, explained this feeling. “It’s nice to get to a new school, especially one as big as UVM, and feel wanted. The fact that they went out of their way to pick me is flattering.”After learning that TIT was indeed a real group and potential threat, University officials set up the University Protection Agency (UPA), to “protect the heart of the University.” The UPA stated in a press release that it has been trying to make negotiations with TIT for the past year. It also kept the situation quiet for as long as possible to reduce student conflict and parental concern.”We were looking out for the students, but TIT has shown that they no longer want to be associated with the University,” the UPA said. “After noting that Trinity Campus has a dining facility, is close to an Indian restaurant and is in control of the Geology department building, we have come to the decision that they are no longer worth our effort and will be able to survive on their own,” they said. They may receive a limited education, but that is no longer our concern,” said UPA president Harold Richards.”We are now looking into whether or not Redstone Campus is worth keeping around. We are hoping they will follow the same path as Trinity on their own, but we are prepared to take steps to axe them as soon as possible if this fails,” he said.Richards then implied that the UPA was also considering ridding the University of the Athletic Campus as well, but has decided not to take these steps because of the gym and the Marché.”I love the green coconut curry stir-fry from the vegan section and would feel funny going back there if it was no longer a part of UVM,” he joked.