Everybody has unpaid parking tickets. No big deal. You clean the change out from under your couch cushions and just like that, your glove compartment can once again be used for what it was meant to be used for: the safe and secure storage of gloves.
Here at UVM, however, it’s not that easy. Parking tickets are ridiculously expensive. Some bear the hefty price tag of 50 dollars. If you try and pay off a string of tickets here, you’ll need the net worth of Indonesia and a virgin sacrifice.
Now, don’t get me wrong-it’s not that I can’t understand where UVM Parking is coming from. It’s not like we’re all students going to the same places. No one said anything absurd like the price of tuition is high enough so that students should be able to park where they need to without fear of a 50-dollar fine. No, no one said anything of the sort. In fact, the truth of the matter is that some of us deserve nicer parking spaces. Why? Because we’re better human beings.
Fifty dollars, though! Where I come from, fifty dollars would BUY you a parking space. They’d give you your own sign and a coffee mug, too. Of course, where I come from, Wal-mart is the religion of choice, but still! If a parking space is worth fifty dollars, at least have a clown there to hand out balloons when people park. Or William Shatner. Either one.
So I decided to get to the bottom of this expensive secret and confront The Man. I parked my car illegally and I set up my lawn chair behind it. There I sat with my trusty binoculars while eating nothing but string cheese and uncooked ravioli for two days. Then, at long last, he came. He was overweight and had slicked back hair and a cigar. He strutted up to the car and began to gleefully scribble out a ticket, holding at his side a large bowl of spaghetti.
Okay, that last part was simply to complete the stereotype. There was nospaghetti.
I sprang out and began to question him with journalistic tenacity. I demanded an explanation. Why fifty dollars? I cried, outraged. Why so steep? I was as ruthless as can be, given the fact that I had been inhaling exhaust for upwards and in excess of 48 hours at this point.
“Hey,” he merely shrugged. “Fuggedabout it.”
Ah-ha! There it was! Black and white, clear as a bell, he admitted the whole thing: UVM Parking is tied to the mob. They call themselves “The Meter Mafia,” I assume. Or “The Parking Posse.” There is still infiltration needed, so I can’t be sure. Who, however, would not be afraid of a gang full of meter ladies and gentlemen? I, for one, am not afraid to admit that I have several pairs of soiled slacks.
Ever since that fateful meeting with Peter “The Meatball” Spagelli, I’ve been living in fear. Will they cap me for ratting them out in this article? Will they hurt my family? Or, worse still, will they give me an unjust parking ticket?
The answer came rudely last night. In my bed, I found the neatly severed head of a pony! And on it there was a pink parking ticket with these shocking words: “Keep your mouth shut. Love, Peter.” My mind raced in terror. I thought, what am I going to do now? I’m in serious trouble! Then I thought to myself, wait a sec-did he sign that threat with love? I just met the guy. I mean, isn’t he moving a little fast?
But I would not be deterred by their threats! No, I didn’t give into their brute thuggery. I am writing this for one reason: to warn the students of UVM.
Park where you’re supposed to. You’re dealing with a dark and violent mob here. Save yourself fifty dollars so you can buy another invaluable textbook to be used several times. For God’s sake, people! Do you want to be responsible for a child reaching out at a petting zoo only to pet air and realize that Snuggles, the beloved pony, no longer has a head?
Think about it. It makes sense now. You’re not just parking. You’re saving ponies’ lives.