Cubs Win and the Reaping Begins

CHICAGO, April 1, 2059 -After most seasons, a .666 winning percentage is anything but remarkable, a seemingly pedestrian statistic that, if anything, jumps out as a low-ball number for a World Series champion. In light of the Cubs’ World Series win last October, however, this number seems to turn more and more heads.Frankly, I can’t believe it wasn’t noticed sooner. Now, six months and six plagues later, it is all falling into placeThe untrained eye can see plainly that the Cubs’ first World Series championship in 150 years has since sparked off more than the usual increase in ad revenue, merchandising, and season ticket sales. The long-awaited victory has wrought the makings of Apocalypse.Yesterday, the Vatican went so far as to canonize George Steinbrenner, posthumously, for his efforts in fighting the true evil empire. The move was met with significant fanfare in Boston, one of the cities hit hardest by the recent plagues.This is the second time in as many months that the Holy See has bestowed sainthood on previously-maligned men of the baseball world.After the third plague, the pestilence of livestock throughout the Midwest (in case you have since forgotten, with your plates sans beef), the Pope declared Steve Bartman and martyr and anointed him Saint Steve.For those of you who were not around to watch his moment of infamy on Oct. 14, 2003, Bartman caught a foul ball in front of Cubs outfielder Moises Alou during the eighth inning of what was then a 3-0 Cubs lead. After the play, the Florida Marlins (now the Reno Golddiggers) scored eight straight runs and went on to win the game, a trip to the World Series and then the World Series itself.It’s a crying shame that Bartman couldn’t attend his canonization ceremony. The goat-turned-saint was unreachable because, since he sought protection under the Federal Witness Relocation Program, his whereabouts are still unknown.After weathering the plagues of blood, frogs, fleas, flies and pestilence, this latest plague of boils has irked many, especially in the baseball world, since the most major leaguers have too many blemishes to begin the season on the traditional Opening Day.The turn of the century vanity that bogged down professional sports has only worsened in the decades since. The collective bargaining agreement between the players union and the commissioner’s office forced the suspension of Opening Day because of the new clause – propagated by the Cubs’ MVP first baseman – stipulating 75 percent of players must not have facial blemishes.With the world still bracing for fiery hail, locusts, darkness and the death of firstborns, it appears an (The) end may or may not be in sight. The commissioner’s office is working on a new steroid policy they think may help prevent demonic possession, but there is disagreement in the media ranks as to whether or not the punishment will be stern enough.