“… you see, the key to jam cohesiveness is the anti-arcane theory of The Groove, as mastered by Garcian and Allmanian prot??g??s and conceptualized by Davis,” said UVM’s newest professor in a recent lecture entitled, “Consuming ‘The Groove’: Bitch’s Brew through The Psychedelic Breakfast.”Freshman professor Ernest “Trey” Anastasio of the UVM music department has taken it upon himself to enlighten students who have flocked to the University’s newest major, “jamology.””When I heard that (expletive deleted) Trey was like, coming to UVM to teach, I was like [expletive deleted] man! I just gotta come to this [expletive deleted] school now,” Jordan Fletcher, UVM freshman, said when asked about his thoughts on his new teacher.Fletcher is one of 40 students taking Professor Anastasio’s class this semester – “Grateful Gooballs: The Sociology, Psychology and Phrenology of the Jam Community.””Dude, it’s the only class I’m getting an A in!” Fletcher said. “And, like, everyonein there knows where to get the stickiest [expletive deleted] and man, prof Trey is just the [expletive deleted] headiest, brah!”While Professor Anastasio’s class may come easy to Fletcher, Anastasio himself does not shy away from necessary discipline.”Last semester I taught a class entitled ‘Maybe So, Maybe Not: Descartes and the Ultimate Question of the Phish Canon,’ and the final project was to write a paper based on a particular song from my old, world famous band, Phish,” Anastasio said with a grin.”One student wrote his essay on The Gourds song, ‘Gin & Juice!’ I expelled the newbie from the class on the spot and failed him for the semester. “I’m so tired of people thinking I wrote that! I’d never write anything that meaningless and vulgar! Take my album “Shine,” for instance …” Anastasio said, unconsciously scratching his nipple.Even his fellow professors are pleased with Anastasio’s arrival.”Well, I’m just thrilled by the addition of Mr. Antipasto,” music theory professor John DeWalters said. “The UVM music department has never seen such an influx of new students!””Though, between you and me – it’s the darndest thing – Ernie’s office always smells a little bit odd …” DeWalters said.Inexplicable odors aside, UVM’s movement towards “celebrity” professors seems to be a hit, and plans are in the works for another new teacher for the 2008 – 2009 school year. “Well, I reckoned I’ll be mighty bored in a couple years, what with bein’ out of a job and all, and the idea of teaching America’s youngsters political science seems like just a dandy idea, a-heh heh heh,” President Bush said of his proposed position.”But let me tell you, I ain’t cuttin’ open no frogs, if that’s what they ‘spect me to do, nosiree! And I ain’t teachin’ none of that evolution [expletive deleted], neither!”