For a final flourish, Fidler rouses a real life rivalry

At the end of this semester my time at UVM will be up. I am transferring to a different university in January; the reasons why are not important in regard to this piece. My experiences as a collegiate sports fan here at Vermont have been largely a mixed bag, yet until recently I had no idea why. Then, as I was pondering what to write about for my last article in The Cynic, the answer came to me in an epiphanic revelation: we, as Catamounts have no rivalry.You see, in order to foster a positive environment for collegiate athletics, and get the community involved, a little bit of animosity is needed. Harvard hates Yale, Boston College hates Boston University, Ohio State hates Michigan, and all other schools hate Notre Dame. UVM? We hate nobody. We are (almost) always respectful and courteous towards our competitive opponents. Yet like I always say, every now and then hatred is good for the soul.So, like a mortally wounded soldier tossing a grenade over enemy territory on his last breath, I hope that my final Cynic article is a bomb. My target: Binghamton.Binghamton sucks. They are pathetic in every possible meaning of the word. For example, if you go to their Web site, often times a picture of some college kids looking at trees will appear next to “Binghamton University.” Apparently all they do there is look at trees. Not surprising.Also, where is Binghamton? The truth is no one actually knows for sure. It’s probablysomewhere in central New York, because it is a commonly known fact that any school whose destination is unknown is actually in central New York, it said so on Wikipedia. Therefore they are probably fans of the New York Giants and Domino’s new “Brooklyn Style” pizza. As anyone can see, these Binghamton folk are not good people.Binghamton’s athletic mascot is a “bearcat.” What the hell is a “bearcat”? Are they really that cognitively disabled over there, somewhere in central NY, that they think that a cross between a bear and a cat actually exists? If there is such a creature as a “bearcat” then I’m running for the hills. A more reasonable possibility was that Binghamton is trying to simultaneously emulateUVM and UMaine, and “blackbearcatamount” didn’t flow off the tongue.I would make fun of their athletic program, but that would be too easy. Take their winter athletics. Both of the “bearcats” basketball programs are nothing special. UVM would destroy the “bearcats” in hockey if they ever had the guts to face us (disregard the fact the Binghamton has no hockey team).Instead, they focus their resources on wrestling. Yes, the “bearcats” manhandled Princeton in wrestling on the 25th, defeating them 36-5. Good job — beat up a bunch of Ivy Leaguers on sweaty rubber mats while their teammates discuss quantum algorithms or Russian politics on the sidelines. That’s something to be really proud of. Jerks.What college has a wrestling program anyway? I’ll tell you who – the same type of people who like Domino’s new “Brooklyn style” pizza, Binghamton people.I have sent this letter to the Binghamton University school paper, The Pipe Dream (if that’s not an overt drug reference I don’t know what is — silly Binghamton hippies).I doubt they’ll respond however, those cowards. Well, there it is, my final article for The Cynic. I hope it was entertaining, and do me a favor. At the next Binghamton-UVM basketball game, start a brawl in my memory (just joking, just joking).P.S. – it should probably be noted that these views do not reflect The Cynic as a paper. The last thing we want is for Binghamton to release that “bearcat” fury on us…