Global Warming Disproved, Creationism Validated

Al Gore’s 2005 blockbuster “An Inconvenient Truth” has proven to be anything but, according to top scientists in the field.Consequently, the Scopes vs. Tennessee federal ruling has also been reversed, and the University is taking steps to keep with the times. According to Chief NASA Scientist Edward Steubbon, global climate change is not animminent threat, but in fact a non-existent one.”Global warming will go down as one of the biggest hoaxes brought on by money grabbing global activists,” he said at a press conference in Ft. Lauderdale Saturday.”It’s really a sad situation for all those poor companies that bought carbon credits.”In 50 years, the myth of Global warming may prove to be an ancient urban legend, only laughed at by grandparents still driving their outdated hybrid cars; but for right now, it’s a nuisance. With the University pouring $150 million into a LEED-certified building, many students are beginning to ask if this is the proper allocation of resources. “Can we still get sun tans?” asked a concerned student at the press conference.President Fogel has acted quickly, making an announcement stating that, after careful consideration and under general community consensus, the former Dudley H. Davis center will be turned into the Jerry Falwell Center for the Study of Creationism. When polling students about the recent change, junior Chris Newsom only asked, “Does this mean I don’t have to take bio?”There’s a lot more to UVM that’s going to be needing improving to stay updated and with the times. The Aiken Center, which houses the Rubenstein School for Natural Resources, will be turned into a 10-story parking garage, over which student and faculty are rejoicing.”Now that those wacky scientists have been proven wacky, our parking woes are solved!” senior, and dissatisfied parker, Josh Jeffords said. His friend nearby started to protest, but upon opening his mouth was struck down by a lightening bolt from above. Other students are disturbed by the annihilation of the Rubenstien School. Senior Mark David, upon learning his environmental studies degree will no longer grant him job security, jumped out of a third floor window. Luckily, he landed in a large April snowdrift and was unharmed.University officials are excited to have a new edge, and hope it will attract a new emographicto UVM.”I think we now have a really great edge on other New England schools after the completion on the Falwell Center,” Director of Admissions Donald Honeman said.”You’re not going to see a school like Middlebury – a school so far tipped into the ridiculous world of environmentalism and pragmatism – recover as fast as we are,” Honeman said. Reslife is still unsure of what to make of the Green-House dorm. Possible suggestions are a Future Business Leaders of America House, where students learn about the workings of Fortune 500 companies and the artful nuances of capitalism. The recent news has exemplified the resilience the UVM students and faculty show during a time of crisis. There are talks of Vermont leading a “How To Make your College Less Green” workshop for many of the colleges in the area.