Horroscopes!

AIRES MARCH 21-APRIL 19Our conversation didn’t last very long, but it hit on the right points, if you know what I mean. No, I don’t know what you mean. Fine, there was no conversation, you called my bluff…I never talked to Fogel. Are you happy now, now that I’m crying and hurt!?TAURUS APRIL 20-MAY 20No more cheese Fondu for you. You’re fat, and if you don’t lose 20lbs. now, you’ll never be pretty.GEMINI MAY 21- JUNE 21If you think about it, pain and pleasure really do go together well. Like slugs and salt, gasoline and fire, America and nukes. Hey wait! Slug and salt don’t go together!CANCER JUNE 22- JULY 22I had a great dinner last night at my frat house. Didn’t you have a party last night? We also had dinner: roofie soup followed by coke pudding, and a little non-consensual sex. What? Like you’ve never had dinner?!LEO MARCH 21- APRIL 19Q: What do you call a college girl without a boyfriend?A: UnemployedVIRGO AUG. 23- SEPT. 23Q: What do you call a college guy without a girlfriend?A: Greek.LIBRA SEPT. 23- OCT. 23The stars say luck is in your future. However that luck will be offset by all of your incurable STDs.SCORPIO OCT. 24 – NOV. 21What’s the difference between New Jersey and a rotting carcass? People will have sex with the rotting carcass before they will have sex with anyone from New Jersey.SAGITTARIUS NOV. 22- DEC. 24I really Ronalded her Reagan, and man was it good. Yeah it was real good. I’m working on getting her to let me Cheyney her Colin, Dick.CAPRICORN DEC. 22- JAN. 19So there I was, face down in a ditch again with a dead stripper next to me. Now that was a crazy Spring Break. I wish I could do 7th grade over again.AQUARIUS JAN. 20- FEB. 19Your poems are like smelly feet: delicious and eye opening, all in the same bite! Look away!PISCES FEB. 19 – MAR. 20If you’re looking for cheap sex, you should look elsewhere, because usually I never charge. Wow, now that’s the kind of cheap I’m looking for!