Hot Topic Up In Smoke

After 365 days of waiting patiently for our generation’s Christmas, 4/20 is finally here. The cops are chomping at the bit to fight “crime,” in this case defined by college kids smoking weed, and we’re all huddling below the window line in dorms, enjoying our communal laziness on this warm Sunday. Yes, the festivities of years past have been crushed, but I think we can all agree that nothing is better than last year’s Volkswagen corporatefest. When I first came to UVM for orientation two years ago, I had the intense pleasure of having my orientation weekend fall on 4/20. I watched as thousands upon thousands of lazy hippies trudged to the library green, and puffed down hard right in front of the fuzz. Strength in numbers if I’ve ever seen it. To all those who missed it, let’s just say that all the cops on the roofs of the buildings probably got more blazed than that one time in high school when they tried to hang with the “cool” kids, and were pressured into smoking the sensi. I bet the downtown Dunkin’ Donuts was swamped as soon as they all got off duty. Despite just how difficult it was for them to let us do whatever we wanted, they just couldn’t stop us. Seven thousand kids, all puffing at the same time. Welcome to UVM prospective freshman! Last year, however, I couldn’t stay at Springfest for more than ten minutes without feeling nauseated. Even though I had been chilling with some really fun guys all day, and we had been having a good time, I couldn’t help but look at the spectacle of consumption and corporatism as though I had wandered into Hunter Thompson’s Fear and Loathing. There were guys in podiums screaming to the crowd, trying to get us all to buy VWs, or trying to get us to win fantastic prizes, all with the VW logo on them, of course. There were cops searching everyone before we were allowed onto part of our own campus, and we were all outside, no less. It was just great, according to the UVM administration, consumption over chilling. They had school spirit people walking around in gold and green, handing out UVM pride stickers and pins, trying to get us all into the groove. Just go with it, dude, who cares if you have to sell your soul? You can win a car, dude, a car! So despite the fact that I love DJ Logic, and really wanted to see him spin, I couldn’t stay there. And not only because of the lack of chronic, either (although that did irk me). I physically could not be in that scene for fear of a nervous breakdown. So, rather than throwing a rock or a temper tantrum, I just left. This year, I’ll be staying in. Luckily, SGA was gracious enough to push back Springfest so that they can present their spectacle on an ordinary weekend. Next weekend, then, I plan on quietly sitting in the hammock outside my house and blazing. The one slightly (but only slightly) upsetting thing about this 4/20 has nothing to do with the administration, but rather, the reaction of a few select girls around campus who didn’t really seem to like my article in the paper this week. Apparently, the fact that guys like tank tops, and are totally powerless in the presence of hot girls in tank tops, upsets some of the female population of UVM. Perhaps a sense of humor is in order. I feel like my article was just fine (maybe a little redundant, but there’s no need to get up in arms about that), assuming the reader had a sense of humor. Apparently, many of you do not. So, as a lesson to all of you out there just looking for an excuse to get self-righteous, let’s look at where that need of yours to be indignant comes from. Now, I had written something offensive, but needed to change it for the sake of really getting in trouble. So, even though I have to beat around the bush, let me just say that perhaps it is the fault of a) overblown female egos, b) girls who wish to get ogled but don’t have “the goods,” c) the inexplicable need to get self-righteous or d) bitterness at Daddy. Let’s start with the latter. Don’t take out your frustrations regarding your overbearing father on me, girls, for it ain’t me, babe, no, no, no, it ain’t me. In terms of being self-righteous, don’t worry, I understand. It feels great to dangle your morals over someone, really an effective and easy ego boost. I can’t be mad at ya, but at least admit that your offense over my article is based around a deeper need to feel good about yourself. In terms of girls wishing they could hold guys at their mercy from merely their looks, well, let’s admit that many of you girls who do most of the bitching fall under that category. I was even told this weekend that my reference to girls knowing that guys look at them was tantamount to saying a girl deserves to be raped because of the clothes she is wearing. Not only is that untrue, but very dangerous. When one throws words around like rape (possibly the worst thing one person can do to another and one thing that never has an excuse) when we’re talking about a newspaper article, don’t you think that rather degrades the offense that the word should, and does, evoke? Let’s not put the word into common use just for the sake of bitching, ok? Lastly, the fact that I can get in trouble for merely stating a biological fact in a lighthearted, fun manner, just shows how seriously you guys need to lighten up. I sincerely hope you guys utilized this last 4/20 to relax and dismount off that extra-high horse you seemed to have placed yourself upon.