Israeli Exchange Student Levels Beruit Table

A heated battle over whose turn it was to utilize a beirut game last weekend ended with Israeli exchange student Schlomy Mair leveling the table and leaving it in ruins.

The quarrel apparently began when Mair abruptly stopped a beirut game in progress claiming that he had “been signed up for over an hour” and that two of the current players, Steve Shaw and Ron Chase, had unjustifiably stolen his spot.

Shaw and Chase retorted, saying that Mair had not been present to claim his turn when the previous game ended. Thus his spot was deemed vacant, and the next team listed was allowed to occupy the area.

Mair then erupted into a furious anger and began an aggressive argument with the accused “theives” over his spot at the table.

“You have robbed me of my rightful territory!” he yelled. “Leave now or I will have no choice but to forcibly remove you from the table premises.” Shaw and Chase, however, still refused to give up their spot.

“We’re not moving,” Shaw contended. “You missed your chance for a game. The spot belongs to us now.”

Realizing they had no intention of surrendering, Mair pushed Shaw over the table, knocking over all of the Solo cups and spilling beer on the kitchen floor. Chase, infuriated over Mair’s actions, tried to push him away from the table and have him kicked out.

Mair would have none of it. “Blasphemy!” he cried, adding, “If I can’t play, then nobody will!” He then reportedly jumped up and landed elbow first onto the beirut table, breaking it in half and rendering it useless. The party ended soon after.

The house residents have recently been trying to come to grips with the damage that their house has recently suffered.

“That table has been in this house for mad long,” Ross Eldridge, one of the house’s residents, said. “It was sick. It had our frat’s letters engraved on it and everything, but now it has been permanently destroyed by that damn Israeli kid.”

Mair, however, showed no regret over his actions. “I am proud of what I did,” he said. “I was fighting for the spot at the table that was rightfully mine to begin with, and I will continue to fight until I can play these games in a time of peace.”

While Mair continuously contends that he was acting in the best interests of the game, the owners of the table are currently scrapping together resources to repair the damaged beruit table.

Eldridge has issued the following statement: “It will be difficult to rebuild. A long road lies ahead of us. But with steadfast dedication and the support of people who wish to return here again, we will be able to repair the damage done by the exchange student.

“All we know right now is that until the table is fixed, we won’t be partying here for a while.”