The parents of UVM junior, Toby Arknoff, found out about his recent expulsion not from him, but from reading about it in their subscription to the school newspaper.”We don’t hear much from Toby. He rarely calls or writes. And when he does, he’s usually just asking for money,” his mother said.”The only way we can ever find out about what he’s up to in school is when we read the paper and hope to see his name. We had no idea he got expelled until we read about it on the cover of The Cynic.”Apparently, Arknoff’s father was not pleased to look at the cover and see a mug shot of his son’s face with a headline that read, “Student Expelled for Exposing Self to Lunch Staff.” “I was furious. The worst part is the thousands of people who found out about this before I did. But at least I got an idea of what my son is up to in college. We haven’t heard from him in weeks.”When asked why he has not been calling his parents lately, Arknoff replied, “I dunno. Just haven’t had time.”The article also came as a bit of a shock to Arknoff’s relatives, who receive a subscription to the newspaper as well. Arknoff’s parents want to know where their tuition money has been going, since they have been sending in a monthly payment. The question was initially raised when Arknoff was expelled. “He called me and asked if he could take on the responsibility of paying his own tuition,” his father said. “All I had to do was send him the monthly check instead of the school. Naturally I thought this would be a great way to teach Toby some responsibility. But apparently he has been using this money to fund what the paper described as a ‘cocaine habit’.”Toby had devised plans to keep his parents unaware of his expulsion. He had even drafted up a fake transcript with Adobe Photoshop to give his parents. He had planned on giving himself a 3.2. Meanwhile, he had been using his parent’s money for court fees, his newly developed drug habit and a particularly lengthy trip to Montreal. “Despite being kicked out of school for indecent exposure, this has been the best two weeks of my life!”His parents, while furious about his expulsion, are glad to finally be talking to their son again. “At least now we can have him home again,” his mother said. “He’s my only son and I miss him so much.” Arknoff can now look forward to a job at Denny’s to pay back his father, a technical school associates degree and a rather awkward family reunion this summer.