The Vermont Cynic

Lou’s News

The parents of UVM junior, Toby Arknoff, found out about his recent expulsion not from him, but from reading about it in their subscription to the school newspaper.”We don’t hear much from Toby. He rarely calls or writes. And when he does, he’s usually just asking for money,” his mother said.”The only way we can ever find out about what he’s up to in school is when we read the paper and hope to see his name. We had no idea he got expelled until we read about it on the cover of The Cynic.”Apparently, Arknoff’s father was not pleased to look at the cover and see a mug shot of his son’s face with a headline that read, “Student Expelled for Exposing Self to Lunch Staff.” “I was furious. The worst part is the thousands of people who found out about this before I did. But at least I got an idea of what my son is up to in college. We haven’t heard from him in weeks.”When asked why he has not been calling his parents lately, Arknoff replied, “I dunno. Just haven’t had time.”The article also came as a bit of a shock to Arknoff’s relatives, who receive a subscription to the newspaper as well. Arknoff’s parents want to know where their tuition money has been going, since they have been sending in a monthly payment. The question was initially raised when Arknoff was expelled. “He called me and asked if he could take on the responsibility of paying his own tuition,” his father said. “All I had to do was send him the monthly check instead of the school. Naturally I thought this would be a great way to teach Toby some responsibility. But apparently he has been using this money to fund what the paper described as a ‘cocaine habit’.”Toby had devised plans to keep his parents unaware of his expulsion. He had even drafted up a fake transcript with Adobe Photoshop to give his parents. He had planned on giving himself a 3.2. Meanwhile, he had been using his parent’s money for court fees, his newly developed drug habit and a particularly lengthy trip to Montreal. “Despite being kicked out of school for indecent exposure, this has been the best two weeks of my life!”His parents, while furious about his expulsion, are glad to finally be talking to their son again. “At least now we can have him home again,” his mother said. “He’s my only son and I miss him so much.” Arknoff can now look forward to a job at Denny’s to pay back his father, a technical school associates degree and a rather awkward family reunion this summer.

Lou’s News:

Much to the chagrin of sophomore, Patrick Densbury, his exam tomorrow, which is said to worth 30 percent of his grade, is not on the game of Tetris he has been playing since midnight.”I know I have to be studying for art history right now,” said Densbury. “But I haven’t played Tetris in years and I’m hooked! If only tomorrows test was on Tetris, that’d be friggin’ sweet!”His friends have been growing concerned for him. One of them has walked into his room at 3:00 a.m., surprised to still see him up. “Dude, I was going to the bathroom and saw the light still on in your room. What are you still doing up?”An embarrassed Densbury tried to hide his activity.”Oh…umm…just trying to…umm…memorize this information on the Aegean period…””Oh really? Well let me take a look, maybe I can help you.”His boy then walked over and saw the moving colored blocks of the Tetris game in progress and shook his head.”How long have you been playing this, man?””Leave me alone!” shouted Densbury. “I can start studying whenever I want to!””You’re a damn shame you know that.” His friend then walked out. Even as the night grew longer and the sun was beginning to rise, Densbury still had not yet cracked open his art history book or even attempted to look at the notes his study group had e-mailed him just a few hours ago. He was continuing right on with his Tetris game. “I mean, check it out, I’ve almost beat my high score! If I just do that then I will be able to start studying.”Densbury had been able to fight off heavy dreariness for a couple more hours in order to continue his quest for this high score, and there appeared to be no stopping him on this path. Although it does not happen often, this is not the first time that obsession with a video game has overtaken, Densbury.His parents still remember how he nearly missed the SATs on account of Snood, and of course the Minesweeper fiasco that nearly cost him his scholarship. So now, as he stands on the brink of failing his art history class, Densbury remains firm in his decisions to keep playing.”If I start studying now, I’ll probably just get confused and fall asleep anyway, so what will the point of that be?” reported a rationalizing Densbury.”I’m better off just continuing to reach my high score, and then going to sleep, and waking up a little before the exam at 9:00 a.m. and asking someone in my class about it. “That goofy kid with the red hair seems to know his way around the class, I’ll ask him. So yeah, high score, 45 minutes of sleep, goofy red-head kid. I’m golden … I’m golden.”By 8:59 p.m., Densbury had still not beaten his high score. He had allotted himself 20 more minutes to get it. He reported that he could still get to the exam with a half hour to spare if he tries, however, rumor has it that he’s still playing.

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