Nike Conceives Human Skin Sneaker

The Nike shoe corporation recently unveiled plans for a new self-sufficient system of manufacturing shoes that will help clean up the environment and – so the company hopes – Nike’s unethical image.The new sneaker prototype uses the hides of human children instead of cows as its source material. “We will, in effect, be eliminating 31 percent of the methane gas output inherent in the raising of cattle,” Nike spokesperson Jennifer McCoy said.”In addition, we are planning the reforestation of all vacant land no longer needed for cattle grazing,” McCoy said.Though the new method of production and its accompanying sneaker line, called the Nike OffSpring, are only in the infant stages of development, the launch marks Nike’s growing determination toward conservationism in the global village. But the advancement comes at a high cost to consumers due to the nine months of intense labor required to produce each set of OffSprings. At $1,999.99 per pair, the shoe will be Nike’s most expensive product on the market.The large price tag also reflects the quality of the OffSprings, a “silkier, more supple hide than has ever been seen before,” according to McCoy. The closed system of producing the sneaker begins and ends within the same factory. Female workers are artificially inseminated in their living stalls, where they remain for the required period of gestation in complete solitude so as not to disrupt the process of cultivating the OffSpring material.Every delivery is facilitated by a Nike-certified obstetrician and the yielded skins are stretched, tanned and then brought back to the worker’s stall where, stitch by stitch, she hand sews each pair until they are completed, inspected and ready to ship.”I am very much thankful to the Nike company for assisting me in childbirth and promising to provide my children with full educational scholarships at the institution they have recently funded and built,” a Nike employee in Guangzhou province said, whose anonymity Nike wished to maintain.”These factory conditions are something that I hope my children will never have to take part in.”We are ensuring that future generations will not have to endure the same living conditions that are the realities of their parents,” McCoy said. “Besides, these children would probably want the opportunity to go to the West at some point in their lives anyway.”Due to the high costs and time involved in production, the Nike OffSpring will be first introduced exclusively to Japan in order to establish a base market.”This is exciting news,” Keiko Immamura, a 16-year-old shoe collector from Tokyo, said. “I will buy as many pairs as I can, especially since this new material is so delicate that the shoes can be worn only once. Helping the environment makes me feel good, too. By wearing OffSprings, I will be honoring the plant spirits that have suffered from corporate irresponsibility all throughout the world.” An employee at a Burlington shoe store that specializes in high-end sneakers also welcomed the arrival. “The color schemes you see people wearing around lately have gotten too bananas,” he said.”If you want to stand out now you have to rock some more neutral joints. I think that the new natural skin tones will be a breath of fresh air.”Knockoffs made from monkey and pig hides have already been seen in the streets of cities such as New York and Paris.”Well, it happened with Air Force Ones and it happened again with the Dunks,” McCoy said. “But will knockoff OffSprings help end global warming? I’m not so convinced.”