Jeremy Thompson held a small press conference in his dorm room late in the evening on Sunday, November 5th, to declare his formal decision to double-major. His roommate, Reggie Smith was the only one present to hear the news and react to it. “Honestly, I was a little shocked,” Smith recollected, “I totally pegged him as more of studio art major.” When asked if Smith supported Thompson’s decision despite his initial surprise, he replied, “Sure, it was just a pain having to listen to him make his speech when I was trying to sleep.” Thompson cited three reasons for his decision in his speech. “It’s taken me a long time to come to this conclusion, but it began on Halloween,” he said with a calculated pause. Thompson dressed up as the late Steve Irwin, better known as the “Crocodile Hunter.” “I had the khaki-colored safari clothes, shaggy hair and the Australian accent down to an art,” he said. “I even made the wound from the stingray in my chest.” At the ??? house, the fraternity that he is pledging for, Thompson said he almost got into a fight with a brother who said his costume “was messed up, tasteless, real messed up.” Thompson says he knew he had really made a social transgression when he heard the rest of the brothers chanting “Steve Irwin is our hero!” as he left. Thompson said he got compliments on the costume as we walked home to go to bed, “but they were little consolation.” He reports that he was upset by the incident and only got into a better mood on Wednesday during his intro Chemistry lab. “I stayed to finish this experiment and as I was involved in the salt precipitation stage, I realized that I could fashion a killer bong out of one of those Erlenmeyer flasks, a burette, some tubing and the vacuum pump.” Thompson said he knew that this was something he could do for the rest of his life. The next day, in his Foreign Policy class, Thompson said the mock-Security Council debate made him want to be a political science major too. “You know, stuff in the mid-east is a bummer, and no one can seem to solve it, but in our mock council, we set things straight and did it right.” Student delegates representing the Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds were quick to agree peace was the best option in Iraq and they voted to suspend all religious beliefs “until things settled down.” Thompson said both classes were so great he “couldn’t not major in them.” He formally thanked Steve Irwin in his declaration speech since “without the controversy over the costume” he never would have found such joy in these subjects. NOT NEWS FOR NEXT WEEK: Senior sighted biking around with french horn not as cool as he thinks he is