Republicans Prevent Armageddon

Dude, Friday included one of the most uplifting things to happen since the welfare reform act. Some stupid hippies tried to march around with their commie banners and filthy dreadlocks, protesting our brilliant leader George W. Bush and his push for liberty in Iraq, but we showed them! My buddies and I from the campus Republicans piled four deep into a shiny new Mazda and drove circles around those a*******, honking, waving American flags and yelling “God bless America!” Decked out in the new Abercrombie spring line with our Nike shoes and properly gelled-up hair (some of us still care about how we look), we were really a force to be reckoned with. Those Students Against War wimps were trying to get the school to stop investing in the military with school funds. What a bunch of morons. Firstly, investing in the military is a great idea, because there are always wars being fought, so people will always need weapons. That stuff costs a lot of money, and if we can be cashing in, why the hell not? Secondly, I don’t see anything morally wrong with the idea. I mean, we got our freedom from the Brits by fighting them, not by protesting and crowding up college buildings. That’s how you get freedom and peace. War. Those hippies think they’re real mean with their little march with close to 100 people. Screw that. They spend all their time tabling in Cook Commons, holding meetings, organizing rallies and promoting speakers, but we just lie back, wait for them to do something and then go mess it up America style!!! Like that die-in they had a few weeks ago. We made fun of them and even got political on that ass when one of us yelled, “How do you know that?” Our nation’s leader would surely be proud of our extremely informed patriotism. Whenever we have speakers, they ruin everything. When we had Dinesh D’Souza, they picketed and asked him silly questions, all because he said that slavery might, in the end, have worked out better for blacks than if they had remained in Africa. If you ask me, truer words have never beer spoken. So what did we do wrong? They may have stayed long enough to hear what Dinesh said before trying to shut him down, but do we really have the luxury of doing that? Our speakers promote truth and honesty in the face of liberal adversity. Their speakers try to brainwash people into thinking we should run around breaking things and giving all our stuff away. I couldn’t stand to listen to that. I think if it’s good enough for Cheney, Bush and Rumsfeld, it must be good enough for me. Who am I to challenge the leadership and knowledge of these great men? All three of those guys have deep roots in the oil business, so how can anyone tell them they don’t know what’s best for the Middle East? They have lots of oil! Theirs are the most capable and knowledgeable hands possible. There is no one better to look out for the interest of the Iraqi people than George Bush II. He is brave, charming and he never uses words too big for me to understand, unlike all those liberals trying to prove him wrong. They start yelling about “unilateralism, sovereignty and globalization.” Who knows what any of those words mean? Luckily, our leader is not as pompous. I rest assured when listening to the State of the Union that no words with more than three syllables will be used, and that makes me feel safe. When he was the governor of Texas, Bush defended his state to the utmost, electrocuting all those darkies who dared to look at a white woman or rob a convenience store. Now the battle is even more important. Instead of those dangerous Negroes he fought to keep off the streets, now we have Saddam, the devil incarnate. We know he has tons of weapons nobody can find for the life of them. I agree that the solution to this problem is to blow that country sky-high! Only an idiot dares tell me that war is not a viable option to curb potential future problems. If George says that Iraq has nuclear capabilities as well as chemical weapons, I trust him. Who cares if the rest of the world can’t see it? Remember 9/11? A bunch of towelheads blew up the twin towers! Now that we want to get rid of all those bastards, you guys talk about peace and justice? It’s like Vietnam all over again. I hope this time we won’t sell ourselves short because a bunch of loudmouths can’t get their priorities straight. Nuke ’em!! We should have nuked the Ho-Chi-Minh, and now they’re just laughing at us, dreaming of conquest.