Tastes Like Nuclear Meltdown

“I’m not afraid!” yelps Marge Simpson as she runs past the nursing home. Grandpa Simpson, rocking away on the porch, dryly replies, “Then you’re not paying attention.” Truer words have never been spoken. The Simpsons have stated blatant, earth-shattering truths before, but this left me speechless. Can any of us deny Grandpa’s wisdom? No, I think not. Pay attention. War from both Iraq and Korea seem imminent. There looms the prospect of an overturned Roe vs. Wade decision. Talks and bills of draft reinstatement hover. And, oh yes, there are millions (if not billions) of humans living below poverty lines. And on and on. We should all be very afraid. What should further our total apprehension is an obvious and disturbing fact. A fact even more pungent and offensive than grannies in lingerie. The fact? The majority of countries are run by egotistical and faux-educated aliens disguised as monsters. And, “Why,” you may ask, “are these people really aliens disguised as monsters?” Then my eyes open wide, because I love having the opportunity to hear myself talk, and reply, “Because, you see, these people, are not people, they are extraterrestrials who are all members of a cult of sorts, whose main tenants are those virtues of the Seven Deadly sins.” I know what you’re thinking, “Man, this kid has got to be smoking crack like the Mayor of D.C. if he really believes the horseflop that is spewing out of his mouth.” But, I assure you, I do believe the manure. The positions of power, involving both government and the corporate world, in a majority of instances, are consistently occupied and acted out according to the seven sins. These extraterrestrials exhibit this tendency like it’s their job. You know why? Because it is their job. The following are just a few examples of actions performed by those in power, in accordance with the seven deadly sins. The first of the sins is Pride. Defined as an excessive belief in one’s abilities, this characteristic is consistently portrayed by the leaders of countries. For example: Saddam’s and George’s inability to see that war at this point would only escalate into a horror no one wants to face. Next on the faithful list of sins happens to be Envy. Since an explanation of envy is unnecessary, I shall just go right to an example. It is quite obvious that Tony Blair has a serious crush on George. I think it’s cute, but certainly this has no place in government. Also, he does have some big ears, eh? Following the always-reliable envy is Gluttony. This is an excessive greed which prompts one to consume and own much more than is necessary. I believe that both Saddam and the former C.E.Os of Enron, World-Com, etc., fit the bill quite nicely. Saddam, with his hundreds of palaces, while many of his people live in poverty, and the former C.E.Os who duped their companies out of billions of dollars, while jobs, salaries and stocks plummeted. Lust seems to be a tricky one. Having an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body is one of my personal favorite tenants of the alien cult. Two shining pupils of the lust philosophy are Bill “Slickwilly” Clinton and Marion “Crackhead” Barry. The former needs no clarification as he is known as the President who liked receiving a little fellatio from impressionable, not-so-beautiful interns. The latter, on the other hand, is a bit less known. Although I alluded to this earlier in the article, Marion Barry is the crack smoking mayor of Washington, D.C. He was caught, on tape, mind you, hitting the trusty old crackpipe, served jail time for it, then was reelected mayor when he was freed. Only in Alien-run America. The fifth deadly sin is anger. Now, this to me seems like a lesser vehicle of sinnery. I get angry, you get angry, we all get angry. The perfect example here is North Korea’s never-smiling leader, Kim Jong II, who will not give up his weapons program just to prove that he is a man. What a stubborn mule that one is. Next in line for explanation is Greed. I believe that in this instance, greed is quite close to gluttony in both definition and the examples that I would give. So, if you really need a real life example of gluttony, just read my thoughts on greed and apply them here. Final on the list of seven is Sloth. The avoidance of physical and spiritual work is the true meaning of sloth. Two words and an initial for you: George W. Bush. Enough said. It should be pretty clear by now that my thesis is correct. We are living in a world which is controlled by cult-infused aliens, masked as monsters, parading as politicians. We all need to realize the futility of what has happened to our freedom. It is non-existent. We are more powerless now than ever before. Remember, if you aren’t afraid, then you’re not paying close enough attention.