CAIRO, Egypt – Several archaeologists, while searching the great pyramids, discovered a long-lost Shakespearean play Sunday afternoon. The text, entitled “Terrellus Owenus” was found beneath layers of dust and mud in the bottom-most chamber of one of the ancient Egyptian Pyramids. “It’s a shocking and remarkable discovery,” said a Shakespeare biographer. “Many thought that ‘Terrellus Owenus’ was a myth, an urban legend. This will send shockwaves throughout academia.” The Vermont Cynic was able to obtain portions of the text. Here is an excerpt, taken from Act 2, Scene 4. Terrellus: O! Why dost thou do this to me, Great God! Alas, I, King of catching ball of foot Am but an earthly soul, with little mind. Williamus Parcelles (jumping out from side stage): Get thou head out of the clouds, young T.O I, true King of Ball of Foot, shall set thou straight. Scallywag, imposter, fool! I call you. Come to great Dallas, learn the ways of Bill. Terrellus (looking up to the sky): Take me now, oh great and glorious God! I am but too good for this world of fools. I will take my place above the sainted, And to my rightful being, as greatest god! The scene ends with Terrellus swallowing a bunch of pain killers, being rushed to the hospital, and then denying to the press that he has any problem at all. Hopefully most readers will realize that there is no long-lost Shakespearean play entitled “Terrellus Owenus.” If there is, it sure as hell wasn’t obtained by the Cynic. However, the world that is Terrellus Owenus, I mean, Terrell Owens, does very often read like a tragedy that could have been penned by Shakespeare. This is probably the first, and unless T.O.’s writing improves dramatically from his autobiography, the last time Terrell Owens and Shakespeare will be mentioned in the same article, so you might want to keep reading. Owens, like many tragic heroes, is blessed with great abilities. What Macbeth could do with a sword, Owens can do with a football. Also like Macbeth, T.O. has always held the ambition to be the very best, and few can argue that he isn’t. Owens is also a pompous jerk, and owns probably the fattest head in all of professional sports. Another famous fathead is none other than the star of Greek tragedies, Oedipus. Yes, in terms of hubris T.O. is the modern day Oedipus (the verdict on whether or not he possesses the same love for his mom may have to wait for his Campbell’s Chunky Soup ad). In fact, you can practically hear T.O.’s voice when Oedipus declares in his tragedy “Here I am myself- / You all know me, the world knows my fame: / I am Oedipus.” Lastly, Terrell’s demise and fall is more tragic than anything Shakespeare could have conjured up, even during his greatest-hits phase. Here is a man who had it all in 2004. Considered by most to be the best wide receiver in the league, Owens was headed off to Philadelphia. Though he was known as being a bit cocky and a loud mouth (suggesting that his former QB in San Francisco, Jeff Garcia was gay), he was still known as that lovable and extremely talented goofball. Things got even better for him in Philly, where in his first season the Eagles won 13 out of their first 14 games, and reached the Super Bowl. Then, the fall from greatness. In April 2005, Owens signed with agent Drew Rosenhaus, this play’s evil antagonist. Evil Drew fed on T.O.’s hubris and allowed Owens to hold out of the 2005 season. No longer was he the lovable goofball, but like Macbeth, he had morphed into a monster of terrible proportions, constantly feuding with all-around good guy Donovan McNabb. To Dallas he went, uniting with King Bill (Parcells). Things began to look up for Owens – a new team, a new coach, a new chance to start over. However, the high hopes were quickly crushed by a hamstring injury followed by a broken finger. Thus we are now at the present moment in this tale, when Shakespeare’s Hamlet (“To be or not to be?”) comes out in Owens and he contemplates suicide. He survives his half-attempt at killing himself, and then denies that anything was ever wrong in the first place. Where does the plot of “Terrellus Owenus” go from here? One can only guess. Does he pull a Romeo and actually follow through in killing himself? I hope not, that would be terrible. But if he does I call the rights to the play.P.S. – You English majors have to give me some respect for attempting Iambic Pentameter earlier in the article, eh?
