The Brown Baron Strikes Again

Burlington Area residents reported a disturbance early Thursday morning when an unidentified Caucasian male allegedly allowed his Scottish Sheep dog to relieve himself on the sidewalk in front of UVM President Daniel Fogel’s residence. This week’s incident was the latest in a series of canine related crimes.

“It’s becoming a problem. I see him do it everyday, just walk right up to the sidewalk, then check to see if anyone is watching. Then his dog unloads right on the sidewalk,” said concerned community member Nancy Greenfield.

Added Greenfield: “I don’t care if he has a dog, or a log or a cog that made smog, please do away with your cantankerous, criminal, canine or prepare to pay a most unpleasant fine!”

While many area residents claim the now daily ‘soiling’ is at best rude, there are some who cheer on the now infamous vandal dubbed the “Brown Baron”.

“I think he’s got some real big melons to keep doing what he’s doing. I wish I had thought of it. You should have seen it yesterday; I think he fed the dog sloppy joes the night before. It must have covered about 12 square feet, spilling out into the road. Really makes you think…” commented UVM senior Stephen Fingerlength of the now infamous Brown Baron.

The Brown Baron reached near cult status last December when a small group of ‘Baron’ supporters formed The Brownies, a group where ‘Baron’ enthusiasts and supporters meet weekly to share stories about their hero.

“We were doing this already, so I decided why not make it official? Everyone was pretty happy when I announced our formation. We all love the ‘B.B.’, so it was a real no-brainer,” said Henry “Chicken Legs” Spencer, founder of The Brownies.

“There are a lot of inaccuracies surrounding him [The Brown Baron], not all of what you hear about him is true. Some say he’s seven feet tall, but our most accurate sighting has him between 5’6 and 5’10, but were not counting anything out.”

The Burlington Police Department, in conjunction with UVM, has responded to the Baron’s now daily vandalism by hiring private investigator Nick Detroit.

“Although the Baron’s crimes have yet to exceed misdemeanor criminal offenses, or even break more than one city ordinance, UVM and the Burlington Police Department have made it clear they will actively pursue The Baron until he is apprehended. That’s where I come in. Detroit hasn’t lost a fugitive yet, and The Baron will be no exception. I’ll get him dead or alive…”

“I’ll get this scum, even if I have to stake out the scene 24/7, 365,” Detroit continued. “No one make mean Daddy Detroit look like an a**hole.”

UVM President Daniel Fogel could not be reached for comment.