The Weekly Horoscopes

AriesMarch 21 – April 19 You are incredibly lazy. Look at yourself. Luckily for you, I’ve entered you into “The Timber Sports” competition held in Portland, OR. Yeah, I know you think that Timber Sports are synonymous with “minimum wage manual labor”, but I have to eat, and I need time to relax. I can’t do this if you’re not earning at least enough money to support my family. Now, if you’re done whining, I’d like to have my dinner. Taurus April 20 – May 20 Your wardrobe could use an early spring cleaning! Ha ha ha ha. That was incredibly funny! Ohhh…early spring cleaning!GeminiMay 21 – June 21 You have trouble relating to many different kinds of people. Try educating yourself. I heard Lifetime is having a special about single dads. This will help you in your ability to recognize “good” Dads, and lightly bearded “bad” Dads. Without me to help you you’d probably asking stupid questions all day. Like a little child. They’re stupid.CancerJune 22 – July 22 Mary Kate and Ashley are getting closer to legal. Why do they toy with me like this? They’re like snipers, aiming at my heart. Bang! A felony heartbreak.LeoJuly 23 – Aug. 22 Yes, I do need to watch M-Television everyday. I know you’re my roommate, but when BroHammer says he wants his M-Television- Stop it! Stop laughing! BroHammer is my new nickname, and you will- Stop it! Stop laughing!VirgoAug. 23 – Sept. 23 You have a very hard job being the Maintenance Manager of a public high school. You have to make hard decisions everyday. Like: Do I run this weight down to Boston, or cut it up here and stay happy with the lower price I’ll get. Oh you High School Maintenance Managers! Y’all crazy!LibraSept. 23 – Oct. 23 Take some time for you this week. Try being a little more creative with your free time. Why not learn to cook. No, forget that. Call your ex and ask for forgiveness. He/she is like aged cheese, delicious, but so sweet and stinky it makes you want to eat until you puke, and eat more until you puke again. Amber loved cheese…Scorpio Oct. 24 – Nov. 21 Try being a little more responsible. If you’re going to go to a party, hang out in your dad’s office, or hang around a dangerous place. Don’t smoke marijuana. You could be raped, killed, or support Osama Bin Laden. You’re awful…awfully funny!Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 24 Shaggy’s new song really sucks. No surprise there.CapricornDec. 22 – Jan. 19 If you want her to like you, try saying this: Is that a mirror in your pants, or am I hideously drunk and hanging out in the women’s room? Oh, it is a mirror.AquariusJan. 20 – Feb. 19 I like this comfortable rock ‘n’ roll. I guess Ah Ha isn’t cool afterall. Look at your body. Wow.PiscesFeb. 19 – Mar. 20 You’ll get nothing and like it! I win again!