The Writing’s On The Stall

Here’s why I know people are feeling the Cynic: I have seen multiple copies in UVM bathrooms. Frankly, I am heartened by this printed presence. I will not overanalyze the possible symbolism of reading our rag in your time of excretion. I will merely smile and extend a yeah, right on, way to be an avid reader. I mean, personally, I interpret your desire to peruse the paper whilst expelling as positive feedback. After all, you’re scanning that baby during an activity that could span an extended period of time. As a Cynic staffer, I take your compliment and raise you a delighted grin. Yes, you, Sir or Ma’am whose reading material of choice is UVM’s fine student newspaper. What’s that? You only carry it in the W.C. because you need a durable material to wring while you strain yourself so? Hey, buddy, that’s fine; I ain’t judgin.’ I respect your unique means of recycling. Well, yes, ok, I do realize that mutilating the paper is your primary action when you get your hands on it, but I’d like to think of you as a friend of the earth and as a pal of our publication, ok? No, I won’t continue to kid myself, but….sure, I stop talking sometimes, you kidder, you… Oh, bye to you, as well. I’ll see you at our meeting at 5 p.m. on Tuesday, right? What? You can so hear me! Oh, yeah, it is windy, that’s true…I know-I’ll just come closer so that my words meet your ear. Yeah, I do know the meaning of personal space. That’s the section where you publish people seeking other people for good times and long walks on the beach, but we don’t publish anything like that. I just don’t know if it would qualify for our newspaper, you know? Wait, I’m what? A close-talker? See, I knew you’d like this more than me shouting into the wind and right over your head. I mean, I was certain you’d want to hear when we hold the meetings, cuz, heck, you read the Cynic; you’re an inquiring mind who wants to know! Ha! Exactly! I love cliches, too! Look how much we have in common already! Clearly my writing speaks to you; no wonder you never miss a week! Wait, huh? Have I noticed that the toilet paper runs out and is not restocked for a few days right when and after the Cynic comes out? Yes, yes, I do think that’s a coincidence! Wow, reading the Cynic must really inspire you to remain alert and in pursuit of the truth, just like we are! Well, I am impressed. Look at you, taking into account detail like the specific time periods surrounding toilet paper negligence. Cynic-style dedication, right there! I’d like to think we helped you to learn a thing or two. What’s that? You learned just what you don’t like to read? Gee, danke, amigo! I think our book reviews are very discriminating, too! Do you want a job as our personal cheerleader? Oh, you’d rather punch me, would you? Ha, you goon! That’s what I love about you-so playful, all the time! Just like our Arts and Entertainment editor and her colorful words! What? Your favorite colors are black and blue and you think I’d look good in them? Oh, you! Thanks! I think I’m well-flattered by that combo, too. Hey, if you enjoy the study of color, here’s a joke you’ll go wild over! What’s black and white and red all over? No, not me scared, bleeding and decaying. Actually, silly, the punchline is a newspaper! HA! Well, yes, you probably could think of a better joke if you had grown up in a world without humor; the ability to grasp comedy is nature, not nurture. Ok, yes, I do agree that I’ve already taken up enough of your time without additionally philosophizing instead of accepting a due insult. But right quickly, you savvy thang, is there anything else the Cynic can do for you today? What, you’d like a couple extra copies because you had a really greasy dinner? Oh, wow, I can’t believe we both relish in quality after-dinner reading! I can see my section is meant for you. What? You’d like enough so that you can line your cat’s litter box until the next issue? Gosh, you wild, untamed intellect with insight into the written word and conservationism! Here, while you’re at it, sharing your nuggets of knowledge and practice, spread the good word and put a few Cynics in every bathroom! Anything to be the readers’ digest! Hahahaha-ow! Owwww! Whyever did you-oh, good one! We do publish hard news! Well, I’m going to pass out now, but before I go, remember this: The Cynic was the Word, and the Word made flush!