The Vermont Cynic

Things you wanted to say but didn’t

It’s me again. I left out a couple of key words halfway through.It should read: To think that what you had to say was funny makes you a…

Things You Wanted To Say, But Didn’t

Last week I left off with “Cries A Lot Boy” (If you don’t know what I mean, see last week’s column). “Cries A Lot Boy” is just one of the many people on campus my friends and I have nicknamed. Others include “Annoying Math Girl,” “Loud Laugh Girl,” “Gross Math Boy,” “Cowgirl Up,” and last but certainly not least annoying is “Tink.” This week the column is devoted solely to these people who make me hate my life more and more.

For the most part, I think “Annoying Math Girl” is self-explanatory.

Everyone has one of these girls. You know-the ones who ask 11 ridiculous questions every day in class. They are not even good inquiries and they usually involve some aspect of the lecture everyone else understood but she seems to be caught up in and thus feels it is her duty to ask consequent, stupid questions during class as opposed to after. I think everyone knows what I am talking


Then there is “Loud Laugh Girl.” You will know exactly who I am talking about if you eat in the dining hall. She has the most obnoxious laugh I have ever heard. The funny part is, every time she laughs, her “friends” cringe and look away, pretending not to know her, but their acquaintanceship is pretty obvious when you’re sitting at the same table as them. I would not have such a problem with “Loud Laugh Girl” normally, because I only eat at the dining hall once a day, but she has proceeded to move her cackle to outside my dorm room window (usually around midnight, when I want to go to sleep). I think she knows I hate her laugh, so she has followed me home to impose more torture upon me. I have an idea, “Loud Laugh Girl.” Chuckle all you would like while in your room (most likely a single), but keep it to a bare minimum in public. Okay?

Now I would like to move on to “Gross Math Boy.” I have written something I like to call “Ode to Gross Math Boy” to better your understanding of the situation.

O Gross Math Boy, Gross Math Boy, how do you plague me?In so many ways, let me name two or three.Here I am in math class, bogged down in deep thought,But all I can see is your phlegm and your snot.You sniffle and sneeze, I’m weak in the knees!Here’s a Kleenex, wipe your nose-please, please, please!!

Enough said about him, I think. Now, my favorite misfit is “Cowgirl Up.”

You are going to love this, too! I guess UVM has some sort of equestrian team mostly consisting of rich girls who leave their 70,000-dollar horses in the barn to rot. I think “Cowgirl Up” is on the equestrian team, but in the event she is not, this becomes even funnier. Let me explain. She has a pretty nice black coupe (boyfriend and sunroof included), but she has ruined it by putting a huge template that reads “COWGIRL UP” across the back window. What? This is ridiculous, not to mention stupid, even if you are on the equestrian team. What is even funnier is that she has a boyfriend, who she leads around by the reigns, to do all of her heavy lifting and to ride in her car. If I were her boyfriend, I would be pretty embarrassed to cruise around in a car that said “COWGIRL UP” on the back window. Strap on a pair, Cowboy!!

Lastly, we need to discuss “Tink.” I have no idea what her real name is-we just call her “Tink.” We named her this on account of her small stature and pixie-like dreadlocks (you know…like Tinker Bell). I never bothered to learn her real name because I knew from the very first time I saw her that there was no other name more appropriate than “Tink.” I once asked her if I could call her “Tink,” but she was not impressed. I wrote to ask Disney if it would use her as an extra in sequels to Peter Pan, but I’m still waiting for a reply.

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Things you wanted to say but didn’t