UVM President Allegedly Behind Local Theft

Following an investigation into the rash of thefts across UVM campus and the greater Burlington area, the Vermont Cynic has discovered that high-ranking UVM administrators may have known about, financed, and reaped the financial benefits of these laptop, bicycle, and backpack thefts.Allegedly strapped for cash in the project to build the new seventy million dollar student center, president Fogel has reached out to various gangs of local gangs a la Shredder in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, attempting to build a crime empire large enough to fund his lofty aims for the University.Offering cigarettes (regular and menthol), forty ounce bottles of malt liquor, pornography, and an off??icial membership pack including name tags and sample size snack products, the gang has begun to consolidate all of the local Burlington ruffians together for the purpose of ruling the Burlington underworld. Any who join the organization are rewarded generously, while all those who refuse are “dealt with”, according to our sources.These, sources, located directly within this criminal organization, allege that the gang, affectionately named the Thug Life Clique, has been responsible for more than ten thousand dollars worth of property theft in the last six months. Police chief Gary Margolis, when questioned on the matter, responded by saying “we at the UVM police headquarters have received no information substantiating any sort of crime ring (emphasis his), nor have we heard of ay criminal involvement whatsoever on the part of President Fogel.”Shortly following this announcement Police Chief Margolis was presented with a brand new laptop computer, fully assembled and covered in jam-band stickers, in a ceremony put on by President Fogel to commend him on his “intensive diligence in maintaining order”. Chief Margolis thanked president Fogel for his support, saying “President Fogel has been nothing but supportive of UVM police services. I, on behalf of all my men and women, thank him for his recognition of our work, and with his help I assure all of you that we can make UVM a very different place.” Following Margolis’ comments, President Fogel began loudly cackling, shook Chief Margolis’ hand, winked slyly at him, and rode off on a bicycle later named as belonging to one Jennifer Rock, a junior at UVM. She lost the bike about three weeks ago, but when asked if she would confront President Fogel over the issue, she responded that she “didn’t want any trouble”.From documents obtained from President Fogel’s office, the Vermont Cynic has been able to ascertain what may be the next phase of the crime wave sweeping through Burlington. Quoting an internal memo leaked from President Fogel’s office, from “top dogg” (assumedly the leader of the Thug Life Clique) to an under boss named “g-murda”, “We need to get this thug life posse up and crackin’ Scarface style dog, fo’ real. “We need to expand our enterprises in this here Burlington, from not just this nickel and dime thievery to more straight up pimpin’. We need this paper g, and we need it fast. We gots’ to hustle hard if we’s ever gonna see plasma screens in the new student center. Get at me.”Repeated requests for comment from President Fogel have been denied, although his secretary has released a statement on his behalf denying any wrongdoing, and blaming President Fogel’s apparent implication in these crimes to the work of “busta-ass playa haters”. One rather irate UVM student, who recently lost her laptop, assumedly to the Thug Life Clique, insists that something must be done. “What starts out as mere bicycle and laptop theft may escalate into drugs, extortion, prostitution, and worst of all mail fraud. We need someone to stand up to Fogel and bring back justice and safety to UVM!” The student declined to state her name, for fear of reprisal.Whatever the case may be regarding the extent to President Fogel’s involvement in these crimes, the people of Burlington have begun to demand answers. Who is the mastermind behind all of these thefts, and why haven’t the police been able to root out the source of the recent crime wave?If anyone has any information that may lead to the conviction of any thieves, they are advised to call the UVM police services and report them immediately.