We need to go on break, Mr. President

By the time most of you read this, the polls will be closing – I will have cast my ballot for Paris Hilton, as I said I would – results will be pouring in and a new president will be on the brink of their term as leader of the free world. Obviously I’m a dreamer – Paris has no chance of winning in our corporate, two-party system. Although I am disappointed to see an elitist besides Miss Hilton in the White House, I must put away those disappointments and direct my words now to our new President. Even I, a critic of both parties, am willing to put everything aside and give this thing a shot. Everyone deserves a chance, right? All of us must be willing to give this new political relationship a chance. But, like any relationship, it will not be without hardship. Despite their differences, each candidate says they will “change” and “make things work” and even proclaimed that they are the “one for us,” all phrases commonly heard in that perpetual cycle of breaking up and getting back together some romances fall into. We need something to believe in, Mr. President, something that will make us not only want to stick with you, but maybe even take you back someday. Your time is limited and our needs are limitless. We need someone there to answer the phone not only at 3 a.m., but at 10 a.m. or 8 p.m., or whenever we need you. Someone who can bring us back from the threshold of social collapse, unite this country, rekindle that political flame, give us that prosperous newly-wed feeling we need and make this thing we call democracy work before we go out and start trying new things and seeing new people. Sorry if we sound too clingy, Mr. President, but we’ve spent the last eight years with a real jerk. Hopefully we can have an enjoyable term together and share many good times. If it doesn’t work out, it’s fine. We can take your pictures off the wall and turn off the radio when a song comes on that reminds us of you. We’ll put away those memories of that brief shining moment when we believed in you, start looking for someone who can treat us the way we deserve to be treated and forget all about that President who promised to be the one, but turned out to be just another jerk.