Weekly Horoscopes

AriesMarch 21 – April 19 Every relationship has a few fights. They are usually started by what would otherwise be minor arguments, e.g. war with Iraq, abortion, human rights, etc. Although you might think your relationships may be free from such pointless arguments, they are not. There’s only one couple who can honestly say that. That’s right, Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Summers. Gods among men.Taurus April 20 – May 20 If you honestly think I’m going to watch a movie about a crazy hyper-intelligent cannibal, you’re wrong! I’d rather watch a movie with a message. Something timeless. Something with a two billion dollar tuxedo! Now get out of my room, it’s Donald’s time for the next 15 minutes.GeminiMay 21 – June 21 “Hey ugly!” might be exactly what you’re thinking right now. Why not just step away from the mirror?! Ha ha ha ha ha! Aha, ha! At your expense! Time of my life! Cyndi Lauper!CancerJune 22 – July 22 So you think that there were at least three horoscopes missing last (two weeks ago) week, huh? Well if you think I’m going to let you get away with it, you’re wrong. We’ll talk about this later, but first I’ve gotta find my finest Abercrombie, the cheapest beer, and a very fake looking drunk girl. It’s a formula…for success. LeoJuly 23 – Aug. 22 You can’t drive 55 either? That’s what I asked him. You got close enough to talk to him?! Yeah, it was incredible! No way! I know! No, I’m calling you a liar. There’s no way you asked Sammy that. Yes I did. Cut the s***, I mean it. What? Alright, get out! By the way, you sucked in Home Improvement, Toolman! You can’t leave me out here! I’m famous! VirgoAug. 23 – Sept. 23 I know you’ve been watching the royal family closely for the past 8 years I wonder how she’s doing anyway? Ooops! How rudely entertaining!LibraSept. 23 – Oct. 23 I like your son and/or daughter as much as the next man and/or woman. I know this might seem unreasonable and/or creepy, but I think I could really help him and/or her. I’m a respectable member of the community and/or church. If your son and/or daughter is interested, tell him and/or her to call me. I’m the local teacher and/or priest.Scorpio Oct. 24 – Nov. 21 With almost half the semester over, you’re probably trying to forget that you have a D- average, social anxiety, and a whole host of “complications”. (Laughter) I’m sorry! (Laughter) Complications! Your life is a movie. I’m thinking of a hentai movie (wink, wank).Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 24 I know that your band is officially on hiatus now, but would you mind if I just remember:Years: 2Albums released: 0Songs: 16Failures: (too many to list)Responses to harassment: Somewhere around 15-20 (public and private)Hilarious situations: Somewhere around 15-20Mistaken identities: 2-3 (this number is hard to estimate, and as of yet no reliable sources have been found)Number of burns (figurative, not literal): Somewhere around 15-20In loving memory of Lumina (www.luminaband.com).CapricornDec. 22 – Jan. 19 That’s correct, I am a secret agent. A secret agent, who happens to be going to college. You would think they could cut a secret agent a break in chemistry. A C- is not a grade this secret agent wants on his transcript. If you want, we could go upstairs? No, it’s cool if we stay here. No problem. So, I was, uh…huh. Hhhmmm. So I got this…uh…huh. You should see this…uh…huh. So, you don’t…okay. No, it’d be okay…well…I guess. I just…alright. Fine. Ha ha…no, sure. Only if…yeah, fine. Bye.AquariusJan. 20 – Feb. 19 I was thinking of transferring to another school but I think I’m falling in love with you all over again. How did that sound? You think she’ll buy it? Good. PiscesFeb. 19 – Mar. 20 Try making time for your significant other this week. Take a break from making that money. I know your man has been acting a fool, okay I’ll stop this right now. Look, I’m really sorry your horoscope didn’t work out his week. Alright, I’ve got something here: If your radio show was on Friday night, I’m laughing! It was me. Oh, so you didn’t see last weeks issue? Well you were the only one. Here’s a joke to cheer you up:Q: Knock, knock.A: Who’s there?Q: Racism.A: What?