Wormholes discovered in Spin Cycle

Dee Summers, a U-Heights resident and veteran clothes washer, recently survived the laundry room for the fifth time. When the spin cycle finished, Summers retrieved her things from the vortex of cleanliness. She was shocked to find that previously paired socks had come out as singletons. Dr. Martin Mortimer, professor of technological theory at UVM, suspects that wormholes play a key role in this phenomenon. “Somewhere there is a world populated entirely by socks and undergarments,” he said.As Summers extricated her wet entanglement of laundry, a hottie sophomore from North-1 entered the Laundry room. She flashed a grin, though in her heart she was pained. “Each time I launder, I drop something on my way to the dryer,” she said. “And consistently that something is a thong.” This case was no exception: as she lifted an armful of laundry, an enormous pair of panties plopped to the floor. Dr. Mortimer was unable to explain the frequency of this occurrence, though he hypothesized that it “happens to everyone.”For Summers embarrassment is not the hardest part of doing her laundry. “The first obstacle is simply getting to the machines,” she said. Like most campus residents, Summers tended to leave her laundry day till all her clothes had been worn. She was left with a single outfit she wore “only as a last resort.” As mortifying as dressing like a hobo is, the true danger lay in her laundry bag: bloated with every article of clothing she owned. For a short girl with the muscle-power of a hummus wrap, this burden turned the simple act of walking into an Olympic sport. Though the laundry room should have been abandoned at 11 p.m., it was teeming with life and detergent. “It was difficult to remain optimistic,” Summers said about the half hour wait. “But eventually I secured washer number four.”Tragically, five quarters were lost in a struggle with the machine before her Catscratch card was used. One mortified hour later, Summers opened the drier with relief, like a hiker who is no longer being pursued by bears. Unfortunately, as she reached into the machine she became aware that despite a full hour of drying, her laundry was still “partially damp.”Still, Summers says she will continue to do laundry. “I’m not going to give up,” she said firmly. “I will master this trial. Some day all of my clothes will come out of the dryer dry!”