Even in the neo-hippy playground that is UVM, there is a certain amount of bias against jam bands, at least among people that are not “in the scene.” Personally, I think Phish sounds like music for children’s programming on PBS, and I’m too stubborn to listen to Medeski Martin and Wood, even though my roommates assure me that they’re that fire.

But one band definitely deserves every bit of its bad reputation: The Disco Biscuits. For years, this band has epitomized the grossness of the jam band scene, with its legion of dirty, over-privileged, and awfully drugged out fans who flock to their shows for the purpose of getting wasted and forgetting that the music really isn’t that good.
What follows is a list of distinctive traits that mark most every Bisco head:

1) Skater shoes: These wide, soft, and durable shoes help the average Disco Biscuits fan stay on their feet while dancing around in circles to repetitive music tripping on DMT.

2) Baggy Jeans rolled up above the ankle: Bisco lots can get muddy at night, and as most Bisco kids only have one pair of jeans, rolling them up will ensure that you wont have to do laundry until the next time you go home broke and burnt out, to explain to mom why you left college to “go on a Bisco tour.”

3) New Era Fitted Cap: For those fashion conscious Disco Biscuits fans, a fitted cap is a great way to both disguise the hair you haven’t washed since the Pittsburgh show two months ago, and send a hint that although you may look broke, your parents do indeed live in Fairfield, Connecticut.

4) Disco Biscuits hoody: “In case anyone was curious, yes, I like the Disco Biscuits. See? I bought a hoody. I wear it everyday.”

5) A crystal or two around the neck: you know, like, for the energy and stuff. One should never ruin themselves with drugs and alcohol following around a band named after ecstasy without a very powerful prayer crystal. You might be liable to miss the next show, due to an overdose caused by a lack of positive karma. “Dude, this crystal really works! I was up all night last night drinking whisky and swallowing Kolonopins, but I got out of bed no problem this morning!”

6) Mom’s credit card: Although a few industrious Bisco fans do support themselves by slingin’ crystals, artwork, drugs, or food, the vast majority are funded by private donations from their parents. Without the generous assistance of moms and dads all over America, tour kids everywhere might actually have to get jobs. Good thing we live in an age of affluence and gluttony, because Dad is too preoccupied about getting rims for his new H2 Hummer to worry how his son is spending his trust fund.

7) Brain corroded by ecstasy, hallucinogens, pharmaceutical, and lots of nitrous: The only way to really enjoy the Disco Biscuits for more than ten minutes.

8) The sniffles: No matter how much you love the Disco Biscuits, the scene can cause terrible problems to ones health. Waking up in a filthy motel room surrounded by ten to twelve other Bisco fans, one is lucky to walk away with merely a head cold. If anyone reading this would like a sane, talent-filled alternative to the Disco Biscuits, pick up the new Sound Tribe Sector 9 CD at Pure Pop Records. They’re what those in the music business like to call “musicians.”