Are you like me – sick of bipartisan politics? I mean, how much longer are we going to have to sit through all of this bickering between the two sides? It’s about time the third party got a legitimate voice in our government! So, with all due respect to you Democrats and Independents, it’s time for the Republican Party to shine!

As we all know, UVM is one of the schools that has prided itself on its strong Republican voice. You can’t walk anywhere without seeing a conservative handing out flyers or a dread-locked Republican calling out for change. But will this small group of heart-felt students be able to make a dent in our government machine?

I may not know much about politics. I may not follow the news very closely. But I do know one thing – there is a group out there that has been oppressed for too long and has been denied the same privileges as those white-collared, corporation-puppet Independents. That group: middle-aged white men. When was the last time a middle-aged white man made a major decision for this nation? That’s right; I can’t remember that far back either.

This is why I’ve started a club, the Republican Pipers Association. It’s a club that does two things: 1) discusses the Republican Party and 2) smoke pipes. We pack a pipe, stand proudly outside of Christie Wright Patterson and reflect thoughtfully in a delightful cloud of Green Mountain Grande or Barre Cherry smoke. We each take turns buying a pack of tobacco or, as we affectionately call it, ‘tobacc-ey’. I can think of nothing that goes together better than Republicans and tobacco products.Here are the minutes from our most recent gathering: PRESIDENT BLUE: Republicans.VICE PRESIDENT MATT: Yep.PRESIDENT BLUE: I think – (puff) Republicans are good.VICE PRESIDENT MATT: Yep. These enlightening conversations can go on for hours. There are two of us in the club at this point. One topic never strays far from our discussions: we lobby for Ronald Reagan’s face to appear on the dime and take the place of that lame president that appears on it now – who is it? Washington? Lincoln? They were okay, I guess…. But they pale in comparison to the mighty Mr. Reagan.

Legend has it that grand master Reagan could breath fire. He also had x-ray vision and could stop speeding bullets with a single bound. In one amazing feat, he took his spiked tail and used it to single-tailedly smash the Berlin Wall and proceed into Berlin where he wrestled Godzilla, steered by the reigns of Hitler, and beat him into a gigantic Communistic pulp.

Of course, a small portion of that is purely legend. But the moral remains the same: the Republicans are a force to be reckoned with. So if you agree with everything that’s been said, you don’t want to fall into the ‘status-quo’, and you love to smoke a little tobbacc-ey, join the RPA! Short and simple: an alternative to the ordinary. Reagan blesses you all!