Bisco Kids So Mad, Emo Kids So Angsty

The Cynic received a record 25 hate mail letters in response to my “Anatomy of a Bisco Kid.”

Here are a few of the funniest things people wrote:

“Hey, I’m not gonna lie, the biscuits scene is dirty, there are a lot of drugs. Then again, you live in Burlington. Enough said.”-Chris Ellis

“You are arrogant and a horrible writer.”-A Disco Biscuits fan

“Clueless, newb faggot”-Anonymous

“P.s. -your article and email address have been posted on every Disco Biscuits message board on the Internet so be ready for many more e-mails you douche.”- Tom Breslin

“I can confidently say that after reading your generalized, piece-of-shit garbage Biscuits article, that you’re well on your way to achieving that dream job wiping the jizz out from under Bill O’Reilly’s desk at FOXNEWS.”-Steve Seamandel

“You are a waste of space in this planet and I think you should move to Wyoming and live in a cabin for the rest of your life.”-Scott Collier

“You, sir, are an ignorant asshole.”-Hunter Davis

“Go f*ck yourself, hippie.”-David Corujo

“Wow, you are a retard. That’s all I have to say.”-Jeremy Siegel

“I am unfamiliar with your newspaper.. perhaps the name entails some sort of “heel” approach to news — and if it does, kudos on getting someone who has no idea what’s going on.. but it’s usually funnier when you have someone more informed.. they make comments that leave a smile on everyone’s face (it’s called being clever).”-Lee Orlandi

“Too bad your writing is antagonistic and poor, you may, one day, be able to buy a clue. Go f*ck yourself you piece of shit.”-Zach Smith

“Anyone who emails in anger over these articles ARE these people and are angry their cover was blown. This IS what Biscuits kids are and I think its great it was put out in a public forum. Thank you!”-Alec Macrae

“I just wanted to bring this lack of intelligence in one of your writers in the form of Julian Brizzi to the forefront. I wanted to make you aware of the fact that this boy is generalizing a large fan base with fans all across the country, and not only is it incorrect, but as I said before, very unprofessional.”-Kevin M. Gillis

Ok. You guys were right. I’ve never been to a Disco Biscuits show. Nor do I have plans to do so in the future. But I’m an idiot, so there’s no reason to take me seriously.

That said, here’s part two of my “Anatomy” series: “Anatomy of an Emo kid”

Emo kids are some of the most extreme of all the music “tribes.” More than hip-hop kids, or jam band kids, or even Bisco kids, the emo style is both extremely well defined, and very silly. Elitism, posing as a junkie, and being really sad about a boy/girl who you used to know in high school are the three most important factors in successfully becoming fully “emo.” Here’s a short list to get you on your way.

1) Tight jeans: For that androgynous/homeless look. “I found these dumpster-diving. Aren’t they perfect? See, they’re so tight as to cut off all circulation in my crotch, and they’re a good six inches above my ankles! You know that’s just how I like them!”

2) Studded belt: A punk staple, this is the tie that binds emo and punk. “I’m emo, but I’m still dangerous. See? My belt is studded! That means I still like punk music! Yeah! Hardcore!”

3) Messy, yet styled hair: Its important to spend at least one hour a day making yourself look as ridiculous as possible. The hair is a perfect start. “Ok, I died my hair black, shaped my bangs with some safety scissors, and put a whole lot of grease in. My hair is like, f**king perfect dude!”

4) Drug abuse stemming from depression: Unlike frat guys or jam band kids, drug abuse in the emo community is both a sign of that oh-so-cool emotion, depression, and is used as a way to escape, not enhance. “I do it because I’m just so sad inside. It’s like, so beautiful, man. It makes me feel again.”

5) Elitist: Unlike many other scenes, the emo scene is wholly self-centered. No one likes the same music, because everyone is so pompous that they will only like one or two bands. “You like Bright Eyes? Dude, you suck. I don’t care if you look just like me. I only like Rites of Spring and Jawbreaker. Everyone else sucks but them.”

6) Unrequited love: In order to tolerate emo music, one must be filled with self-pity, and sexual inadequacy. Because that’s what emo music sounds like. “I loved her soooo much dude! I know it’s been five years, but I just can’t get over that girl. She made the best lattes ever!”

7) Body-by-heroin: If a guy has muscle mass, he may not be considered emo. A male emo fan must be as frail and asexual as possible, so as to appear the least threatening, and most sensitive in all aspects of life. “I think I’m getting fat. Only four ribs are poking out.”

8) Horn-rimmed glasses: Any emo fan worth their salt needs these. It’s the whole Weezer nerd-chic thing. “These make me look like I know what the f*ck I’m talking about.”

9) Cigarettes: Anything life threatening that does not involve breaking a sweat is, like, totally emo. “Death is, like, beautiful man. It’s like, so dark and stuff.”

10) Tattoos and earplugs: Last but not least, emo fans need tattoos. A good tattoo or body modification says to the whole world that you are very young, and very silly. “I never want to get a real job! That’s why my earlobes now hang onto my shoulders and my arms are covered in these bitching tattoos!”