Don’t be that guy this Halloween

Halloween and its festivities are fast upon us, and I’ve come up with some costume do’s and don’ts that will make or break your weekend tramp, er – stumble, through B-town. 1. If you can’t explain your costume in two sentences or less, it’s not worth it. Deep cuts are great, but you can’t get too obscure – constantly repeating “I’m that minor character from that movie from the ‘80s that no one really watched, even then” all night is a drag. 2. Also, consider that you’re going to be wearing that costume all night. Suddenly, being Princess Leia in that metal bikini getup sounds like a bad choice. Same goes for props. Dressing like Thor seems awesome until you realize you have to carry that goddamn hammer around all night. 3. And let’s avoid the cliché costumes. Yes, I do know where Waldo is. He’s f-ing everywhere. Mario and Luigi? Is this middle school? And being Hunter S. Thompson was funny, once, a decade ago. 3. Ensemble groups are solid. It shows teamwork, creativity. Rule of thumb: sports teams are boring, television shows are awesome. 4. Avoid racist costumes. Blackface is a definite no. Good rule to live by: it’s cool to dress up as a specific person, not okay to dress up as an entire people. So generally bad news if your costume idea starts with the prefix “a,” as in “a Mexican,” “a Muslim.” 5. Store-bought costumes are lame. Get of your ass and go to a thrift store and make something yourself. Besides, it’s really hard to avoid the cliché route if you buy something from a package. 6. Childhood throwbacks are great – but again, avoid the done-to-death getups. So do your roommate a favor and tell him no when he says “Yo, I’m gonna be Quail Man, nobody does that,” because everyone has seen Quail Man. 7. Current events are cool. It’s shows that you’re up to date with current events. (Hey, you read The Cynic? Me too! Wanna go upstairs?). I expect to see a fair amount of bloodied bin Ladens and Ghadafis bumming around Burlington, but not showering and wearing a t-shirt that reads “#winning” isn’t going to cut it as Charlie Sheen. 8. Ladies – if your box your costume came is the same size of the box your iPhone came in, it might be too skimpy. I don’t know when Halloween became an excuse for women to do dress provocatively, but it really isn’t the essence of the holiday. Plus, it’s going to hover around 30º this weekend – I don’t care how drunk you are; that’s cold. 9. Don’t half-ass it. Consider this: If you happen upon someone with the same costume as you, you damn sure want yours to be better. The only thing worse than a mediocre costume is having someone else put yours to shame. Take this tips to heart and you’re sure to have a great weekend. But if you go as some halfhearted cross between Mr. Pink and one of the Blues Brothers and then that girl you’ve been flirting with all semester sends you the “oh, I must have lost you somewhere in the crowd text,” do not blame me. One more thing – if I see anyone else dressed like Ron Burgundy this weekend I will punch you. Punch you right in the mouth.