Five Reasons UVM is Filled with Chumps

Here is a riddle. What do you get when you put together a group of drunk and stoned musicians who have no musical talents whatsoever? That’s right, you guessed it. PHISH. I am generally very lenient listening to and respecting other people’s musical tastes, but when your stoner room-mates constantly blather about what a great guitarist Trey Anastasio is, and how much money (often ranging up to $400 – what the fuck?) they would spend going to PHISH shows, it starts to dawn upon you that you live with a group of retards. Maybe it wouldn’t break their hearts if I told them PHISH would suck if they weren’t stoned all the time. This leads to my conclusion that PHISH truly sucks ass. Personally I like to listen to the Dixie Chicks. 😉

What the hell is the deal with calling the winter semester the “Spring” semester? Who are they trying to fool? The people who devised this grand scheme of calling it the spring semester must have been smoking a lot of pot or maybe they came up with the idea while they were in Florida, because little did they know that their so called “Spring” semester starts in the middle of January. And when you are in VT in the middle of January, you know for sure that it’s not spring.

The campus socialist’s are a lovable group of stoners. They are truly there for a good cause; such as fighting for worker’s wages and equality, and most importantly bashing Bush. But when a socialist, sporting an A+F sweater and Nike shoes attempts to stop you by pushing a badly written newspaper in your face and asking for a dollar, you know that he just stepped over the line. That is the time I like to stop and say “do you guys fight for midgets rights, such as designing stairs that aren’t too high or elevator buttons that are reachable, because midgets are people too.” And as I have noticed, they never talk to you again.

The school tuition. The only thing I could say about that is “ouch”. With the tuition being 30 grand right now, and expected to be 32 grand next year, only hell knows how much it’ll be when I’m a senior. The massive tuition hike should be a matter of concern for all who are classic’s, studio-art, religion, and philosophy majors. Oh, did I forget English majors. Haha, I’m an English major, and a very bad one at that. As I like to say to my fellow middle-class friends “we are royally f***ed.” Also another thing I’d like to say. Since we pay so much to go to this prestigious – haha prestigious – school, does it really hurt to offer pot and alcohol as a part of the meal plan? I think not.

The book store. Like the tuition hike, the only thing I could say about the book-store is “ouch, that really hurts”. How a 30 page paper-back booklet costs $20 is truly beyond me, and need I mention the science text-books. As a matter of fact what I’m about to tell you is a true story. One day I managed to sneak into Fogel’s office while he was out cutting down trees on the green. I opened his file cabinet and reached for a folder labeled “plans for 04”. In it there was a paper which read along the lines of changing the name of the school. It said “UVM is not an honest title for the institution that it really iscthe new name of the school will be the `University of Turn Around and Bend Over While We F*&k You in the [email protected]# and Take All Your Money’.” I knew Fogel was a jerk, but I had no idea that he could be so honest. Bravo Fogel, Bravo.