Four ways to better your Halloween

Screen Shot 2015-11-01 at 8.37.42 PM1. Don’t under-think your costumes. Every year I see the same avoidable mistakes at Halloween parties. Many groups try to do a theme costume which works well in pictures, but ends up being horribly confusing once even one person in the crew isn’t immediately around.

There’s just nothing more annoying than explaining your costume over and over. To combat this, try come up with themes that require your friends to stick together the entire time.

Conjoined triplets, the Human Centipede and those giant Chinese New Year dragons are all excellent for gluing everyone together, simultaneously creating some quality bonding.

If you’re too much of a fucking loser to have a sick group theme, just try to pick something everyone does, like Where’s Waldo or Slutty (noun) and hope you can blend in with the other trite dweebs.

2. Simplify Your Sacrifice. A lot of adoption places quit peddling black cats during the month of October to prevent ritualistic sacrifices, but don’t let that stop you! It’s important not to pigeonhole your Pagan practices to just animals.

Humans please our Dark Lord Mephistopheles, too. Kidnapping can get you beat up (boo!) and human adoption is even trickier, so unless you put in an application five months ago, you’re out of luck.

Luckily, there’s an easier and even cheaper solution to save some scratch while you worship Old Scratch. Go and have some completely unprotected straight sex (sorry gays, Satan already loves you) and take the morning-after pill the next day.

Because life begins at conception, it still technically counts and you know for sure the sacrifice is a virgin, too. For extra flair, chisel a pentagram into your Plan B before and down it with a fun and festive bloody Mary.

3. Frugalities with Your Brutalities. If you’ve ever poisoned your candies, you know just how gosh darn pricey it can get. Instead of the mainstream arsenics, cyanides and strychnine, just let nature save you dough.

Injecting a cocktail of peanut oil, pet dander, latex, bees and other potentially fatal allergens in your treats is bound to do some damage at a fraction of the cost. Additionally, you can slash your costs along with all the esophagi!

Don’t splurge with the razor blades that you’re shoving into the chocolates. Safety blades are the best. Multiple blades makes it easier to detect and spit out, while the added lather strip is just plain wasteful.

4. Throw a Wicked Party! Halloween is a great time to celebrate with friends and family, so be sure to partake in the festivities.

Carving a pumpkin with a silly face is always a blast and having a haunted house can really get you in the spirit (or get the spirit in you, like ghosts hahaha).

Put a tarp over three bowls with some dark portholes in it and have your guests reach in and grab the body parts inside for a truly spooky time. Even though you tell them it’s real eyes and brains, it should actually be peeled grapes and spaghetti.

This really puts the “trick” in “trick-or-treat,” and the best jokes don’t hurt anyone anyways. But if you really want to trick and treat your guests anyways, mix chocolate pudding, Oreo crumbs and gummi worms together in a container so it looks like they’re eating worms and dirt.

This sweet treat will really worm your way into the hearts of your company, so have fun!