I wish I were a Republican… I wish I were a Republican. If I were a Republican, I could understand how a President could get elected on the basis of his “moral values” after starting a war against a country that not only hadn’t attacked us, but didn’t possess the means to do so. I could then understand how the President could start a war against a country that was not in any way associated with people who have been known to attack us, and in the process lose over 1,000 American lives and over 100,000 Innocent Iraqi lives in the process.

I wish I were a Republican because then I could understand exactly what threat the “Gay Agenda” poses to the sanctity of marriage. I could believe that proposing an amendment to ban Gay Marriage is not unconstitutional or a conflict of the Separation of Church and State. Let the fags be happy with their Civil Unions. Wait, scratch that. We can’t have them destroying the sanctity of Civil Unions either.

I wish I were a Republican so I could understand why we need to be running such a grotesque military budget of $399.1 billion dollars. That’s right, $399,100,000,000. If I were a Republican I could then believe whole-heartedly that there is no better way that money could be spent. After all, we need to keep a strong military to keep up with, oh, whoever it is rivaling us. There’s still the “red threat” of Russia, whose military budget is about 16% of ours. Or China- everyone’s worried about China, whose budget is 11% of ours. Yep, I couldn’t think of any better way to spend that much money.

Good thing we went to war with Iraq, whose tremendous budget was 0.3% of $399.1 billion dollars. Afghanistan? Don’t even ask. Never mind that we could take that money and pay off the skyrocketing deficit, or invest it in universal health-care, or, hell, feed and educate the rest of the world. What have they ever done for us?

I wish I were a Republican. Then I could realize just how much good the Patriot Act has done for America. Now that I think about it, I really am willing to sacrifice my rights for a little more security. I’ll just make a note not to check 1984 or the Anarchist Cookbook out of Library anytime soon. As long as we catch them towel-heads that attacked this great land.

Forget what Benjamin Franklin said about “Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.” With my Republican goggles on, I’d say old Ben is living in the September 10th mindset. That kind of liberal thinking is dangerous nowadays. Well, now that I think about it, any thinking is dangerous nowadays. Go back to watching “The Bachelor,” America.

I wish I were a Republican because then I could believe that terrorism is the #1 threat to American society. I mean, look how many people have died from terrorism in the last few years. Ummm. 4,000. But that’s a huge statistic right? I mean, what could beat that?? Other than.. well… umm… Obesity, Heart Disease, Cancer, Malignant Neoplasms, Alzheimer’s, Suicide, Cerebrovascular diseases, Chronic Lower Respiratory Diseases and more. Obviously, the terrorists have had a hand in this.

And obviously, if I were a Republican I would be having the time of my life right now. According to last week’s election, these are the ideas that the majority of voting Americans believe in right now. We have validated Bush and everything he stands for to the rest of the world. Instead of soberly changing paths, we are continuing our power-drunk stumble down the wrong one.

In addition to that, we are doing so with one party controlling every conceivable aspect of the government; a government that possesses more unchecked power than any one government should ever have, let alone one party. It makes me wish I were a Republican, so I could at least enjoy the ride before it goes off the rails.