MacBook Pro Owner Confesses to Extreme Self-Importance

Jonathan Copley admitted on Monday, March 5th that his egotism, unabashed self love and unwarranted confidence are attributable to the ownership of a new, white MacBook Pro.

“I am just a better person than everyone that owns a PC laptop,” Copley said candidly. “My iPod matches my computer, it’s user friendly and super sleek.”

Copley, a junior and natural resources major “from inside Boston” he actually lives in Cambridge is not alone in his unbridled love of self. Many new MacBook pur-chasers experience the same knee-jerking compulsion to feel infinitely superior to their plebian PC using peers. However, this self-pride is so powerful that it has oddly led to the formation of a strange Mac subculture or gang in which all MacBook owners feel an inherent camaraderie with their fellow consumers.

“The self absorption is so strong that on the spectrum of selfishness, it almost goes around to the other side and borders on altruism,” psyhology major Susan Hawks said.

“We just feel so good about ourselves and our Macs that we also feel the need to feel good about the other Mac owners feeling good about themselves,” Copley said.

Two seconds later, he ex-perienced a nano-moment of self hatred once he realized he sounded like an idiot, and he sat down to admire his Mac to feel better about himself.

In an undercover Cynic investigation, we sent a pimply and socially awkward reporter, Tim Reed, onto the UVM campus with a new MacBook Pro and an obscenely expensive Apple laptop bag to see what kind of treatment he would receive.

Our reporter flashed his laptop in its wonderful neoprene laptop condom all around campus. He received free cookies outside the library, was rushed to the front of the Cyber Caf?© line and had all his late fees cancelled.

“You know,” said Copley, “It’s just that Macs, like well designed ecosystems, are just so damn sustainable.”